I don't wanna be loved, I don't wanna be loved. - Listening to this song, it really makes sense. I thought I wanted to be in a relationship and be in love with someone, but I don't know anymore. I just want to be appreciated. I miss knowing that someone wanted to be with me and someone found me attractive. As much as I hated the groupie attention, it kind of defined me in a way. It made me feel good about myself. Sometimes, I wish I had someone to tell me how much they saw in me and how much they liked me. I don't get that much anymore. I used to be able to pull anyone I saw fit in pulling - now I couldn't get a female to look twice if I tried. I don't want to be loved though. I'm not ready to be loved or ready to love someone. I just want to have a "more than friends" understanding with a person. You know, that "I like you, you like me too" type shit. I miss those days but uhm... I don't wanna be loved.
Thinking back, when I used to talk to Courtnee daily, she asked me a question. "Out of all the females you've talked to and led on, do you ever wish that you would have tried to make it work with one of them?" - Honestly, I do. I think I might have missed out on someone good. I'm not sure though, I can't be stuck in my past. I've had some great women in my short span of life, but I haven't been such a great man. Like, being on the outside of the loop - I can actually look and see what I'm missing. You know the saying "you never really miss it until it's gone." - Yea, I do miss that connection with someone; although I don't want to be loved.
Ehh, you know - I keep asking myself, "why me?" - Why did I have to fall in love with a liar? She preyed on my emotions and exploited every feeling that I've ever deeply had for someone. How do you lie about your life in such a way that it draws me into a black hole that I have no way of getting out of. She took me off of my game. I put everyone to the side for her, and it was just - damn. My world caved in on me as lie after lie came to the light. Damn, why didn't I trust my instinct and let it go before it got too deep? Now a whole year later, and I still can't find myself intimately involved with anyone. Brooke, she's a good person, cool, and all that good shit - but I just couldn't get involved like I should have been. I just couldn't. I just... I don't wanna be loved.
Remember when you used to like me? - Don't front like you never did. I probably liked you too, heh - I crush a lot. What did you like most about me? Did I change? I'm sure I have. I know I'm an asshole now. I'm quite self centered because I want to protect myself. I don't know if I can ever put someone before me again. When you put your everything into someone, what are you left with when that someone proved unworthy? I don't want that feeling yo. I guess that's why... uhm, I don't wanna be loved.
Some days, I want that old feeling back. That feeling of truly being someone's ideal mate. I don't even know how to be a boyfriend. I thought Jaimya would have been the one, but ehh? She played me to the left. She's another reason why I'll probably won't trust someone or give my all again. You know? Like boy did I catch a hot fuck over with her? The hell was I thinking even trying to make something work out with someone after my ex? Got my bitch ass, huh? I guess that's what I deserve. Ehh, fuck it - it's cool. I don't wanna be loved .
IJUSTWANTAQUICKFIX.
Outro.
Thinking back, when I used to talk to Courtnee daily, she asked me a question. "Out of all the females you've talked to and led on, do you ever wish that you would have tried to make it work with one of them?" - Honestly, I do. I think I might have missed out on someone good. I'm not sure though, I can't be stuck in my past. I've had some great women in my short span of life, but I haven't been such a great man. Like, being on the outside of the loop - I can actually look and see what I'm missing. You know the saying "you never really miss it until it's gone." - Yea, I do miss that connection with someone; although I don't want to be loved.
Ehh, you know - I keep asking myself, "why me?" - Why did I have to fall in love with a liar? She preyed on my emotions and exploited every feeling that I've ever deeply had for someone. How do you lie about your life in such a way that it draws me into a black hole that I have no way of getting out of. She took me off of my game. I put everyone to the side for her, and it was just - damn. My world caved in on me as lie after lie came to the light. Damn, why didn't I trust my instinct and let it go before it got too deep? Now a whole year later, and I still can't find myself intimately involved with anyone. Brooke, she's a good person, cool, and all that good shit - but I just couldn't get involved like I should have been. I just couldn't. I just... I don't wanna be loved.
Remember when you used to like me? - Don't front like you never did. I probably liked you too, heh - I crush a lot. What did you like most about me? Did I change? I'm sure I have. I know I'm an asshole now. I'm quite self centered because I want to protect myself. I don't know if I can ever put someone before me again. When you put your everything into someone, what are you left with when that someone proved unworthy? I don't want that feeling yo. I guess that's why... uhm, I don't wanna be loved.
Some days, I want that old feeling back. That feeling of truly being someone's ideal mate. I don't even know how to be a boyfriend. I thought Jaimya would have been the one, but ehh? She played me to the left. She's another reason why I'll probably won't trust someone or give my all again. You know? Like boy did I catch a hot fuck over with her? The hell was I thinking even trying to make something work out with someone after my ex? Got my bitch ass, huh? I guess that's what I deserve. Ehh, fuck it - it's cool. I don't wanna be loved .
IJUSTWANTAQUICKFIX.
Outro.
2 comments:
I totally get what your saying, being with someone requires a lot of effort especially when you want to make it work you do a lot but then when its all over, you feel like it was a wasted effort because you don't see that you really gained from the situation. Ultimately you didn't get what you put in, right? But being the person that I am I'd rather not dwell on the negative aspect of any situation, no matter how terrible the outcome. Sometimes you have to put the negativity to the side and realized the positive you gained. Most importantly the experience to never let things turn out like that again. Not necessarily to let that bad experience serve as a regret or an excuse to hold yourself back. It's like saying, 'It didn't work out then so It won't out now' BUt time is good, time heals many wounds but not all. In the end you decide your life, you decide what to be ok with. It's all on you.
I freaking love that song.
Thanks, now I have to go listen to it!
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