Me, me, me. I need to understand the concept of me. I don't need anyone else but me. It sounds so wrong, but I have to learn to depend on just that one person. I can't look for someone else to make my day better. I'm let down when I do. I need to make myself feel better and get myself through things. I always thought it'd be nice to have a support cast and just people that could be there for you. The sole problem with that is that people are unpredictable and in some was undependable. They have the worst habits of not being there when you need them. I have to make it so that I don't need them. It's all about me and when I understand that - I may be better off. I know what I'm able to do and I know when I can come through for myself. It's a lot better knowing when someone is there for you. That someone is me. That's all I need.
Yesterday? I cried so much that my eyes are still dry today. I doubt I blinked once while I cried. I have this thing that if I don't blink then the tears won't fall. So I just stare and I stare. It didn't work. I sat there and I ignored everything. Complete silence was the only thing that I could recognize. Not a television, nor a phone call. I stared at a blank wall for hours. Then I began to rock back and forth. I don't know why. Maybe it was to release some type of built up anger that I had at that time. I didn't trust myself or trust what I was about to do. So, I just sat there and tried to calm myself down. It's almost been two years - don't go back to that. I've fallen off of the horse once, but nothing too extreme. Let's just make it to two years. That's the only reason why I sat there. I want to see January 7th, 2009. I want to celebrate with myself and say that I made it. No matter how hard, I made it. I needed that.
Today? It wasn't any better. I went to sleep when the sun came up this morning and all I could think about was the day before. All I could hear was what was said to me. All I could feel was that same feeling. I forced myself to sleep, though. That's what was best at the time. Maybe I could dream something that would make that whole day worth the fight. I can't remember what I dreamt. I hope it was good. I woke up within a few hours with an uneasy feeling. For the first time in a while - I felt dead. I wasn't living, you know? Just existing. I went to the mirror and I looked at myself. No change in facial expression as I went about my morning preparations. I was just there. I didn't interact with myself. I can't even remember what I thought. Later, my day turns into a smaller repeat of yesterday. I looked to someone else for happiness - they weren't there. I completely shut down. I knew that even though everything had just happened, whatever plans that I made would make it better. I would be able to smile, at least for that time. It didn't happen. Why me? That's all I could think about. I wondered if that's what I deserved. I don't know.
I still don't know.
Yesterday? I cried so much that my eyes are still dry today. I doubt I blinked once while I cried. I have this thing that if I don't blink then the tears won't fall. So I just stare and I stare. It didn't work. I sat there and I ignored everything. Complete silence was the only thing that I could recognize. Not a television, nor a phone call. I stared at a blank wall for hours. Then I began to rock back and forth. I don't know why. Maybe it was to release some type of built up anger that I had at that time. I didn't trust myself or trust what I was about to do. So, I just sat there and tried to calm myself down. It's almost been two years - don't go back to that. I've fallen off of the horse once, but nothing too extreme. Let's just make it to two years. That's the only reason why I sat there. I want to see January 7th, 2009. I want to celebrate with myself and say that I made it. No matter how hard, I made it. I needed that.
Today? It wasn't any better. I went to sleep when the sun came up this morning and all I could think about was the day before. All I could hear was what was said to me. All I could feel was that same feeling. I forced myself to sleep, though. That's what was best at the time. Maybe I could dream something that would make that whole day worth the fight. I can't remember what I dreamt. I hope it was good. I woke up within a few hours with an uneasy feeling. For the first time in a while - I felt dead. I wasn't living, you know? Just existing. I went to the mirror and I looked at myself. No change in facial expression as I went about my morning preparations. I was just there. I didn't interact with myself. I can't even remember what I thought. Later, my day turns into a smaller repeat of yesterday. I looked to someone else for happiness - they weren't there. I completely shut down. I knew that even though everything had just happened, whatever plans that I made would make it better. I would be able to smile, at least for that time. It didn't happen. Why me? That's all I could think about. I wondered if that's what I deserved. I don't know.
I still don't know.
