Another setback. My life is seriously full of them. It hurts so bad, I swear. I get my hopes up so high and I start expecting. I've built a wall of protection around me and above me just for this type of thing. You know? When you get your hopes up and it doesn't happen. I talked to Twan today and he was telling me about his car situation. I know exactly how he feels. You build yourself up. You lay there at night trying not to think about it, but you can't help it. It's a joy that you really can't describe. You'll have something that you really had your heart set out for. Maybe you'll have the tickets to the Kanye West concert set for next weekend. You wake up, you stand in line - and you find out that they're sold out or you don't have enough. That's a spirit breaking feeling. I'm used to having my spirits crushed.
I remember around the holiday time my mom would ask me to make a list of things that I wanted. I would sit there at the table for days trying to figure out all of things I could possibly want. Searching through Toys-R-Us papers became my normal after school routine. Finally, I had it! The perfect Christmas list. I stared at it for a few minutes and then folded it into some neat design and let it on the table for my mom. Christmas would come around and there wouldn't be anything that I asked for or got my hopes up for there. Maybe once or twice, but for the most part - I was kind of let down. I was very grateful, because I knew there were kids there that were less fortunate than me. I just wished that one Christmas I had the things on my list. I know now that my mom worked hard and maybe she couldn't afford those things. I just wish she would have sat down and told me what it was. I would have known not to ask if I couldn't get it, you know? Maybe that's the hardest thing to do - but, it saves a crushed little boy.
December 2001. I remember this year and I'll never forget it. I moved with my father because my mother couldn't afford to keep me and go to school. I knew it would be a sacrifice, so I wasn't worried. Christmas was approaching and approaching fast. My father bought a new phone, a new microwave, a new TV, and an aquarium for his fish. I just knew that he bought me some stuff. He hyped my head up and told me to make a list, right? He told me he bought me video games and all of this great stuff. So I spent my days looking around the house for what he got me. It was my life's mission thus far. Christmas comes around and I'm spending it at his girlfriend's house with her kids. There are plenty of gifts. The whole living room is full. As they made their rounds - I waited on my gifts. My hopes were oh so high. I didn't get anything. She pulled out a toothbrush and pajamas for me, though. I was grateful, just sad that I didn't get what I've built my hopes up for. I went in the room and I cried for a while whilst everyone else played with their new toys and games. I looked at that toothbrush and I hated it. It wasn't even my favorite color. Eh, that was the saddest Christmas ever. That day changed my whole outlook about Christmas. Then I got a call from my Dad, who wasn't there by the way. He told me he was out exchanging gifts with his friends. My hopes shot back up. Maybe my gifts were back at my house. It only made sense. My dad came and picked me up and there was nothing waiting at home for me. I asked him what about the games he told me he got me. He pointed at the playstation that he got me for my birthday in March and said "There it is. It's a Christmas gift too."
I never expect anything for Christmas. I never want anything. I am truly the Grinch each and every year. I am grateful for everything - but I don't think I'll get anything. A Christmas card would make me smile when I don't expect anything. This year, I guess I went against my code. I got my hopes up and it's a hard crash back to reality when you know it's not happening. What happened to you getting those Kanye tickets? What happened to you getting that car? It hurts. Through it all, just remain grateful. That will help you through it. Be optimistic. That's all I can do and it's going to make me feel better. Maybe not tonight. Maybe not tomorrow. I know I'll be fine. I know I'll be happy. I don't know when - but I'm grateful. Someone isn't getting anything. I get less than what I got my hopes set for. God will take care of what else that I'm unable to get at this moment. I need things. I'm sure he'll make a way for me.
Eh? Honestly? Who am I kidding?
I remember around the holiday time my mom would ask me to make a list of things that I wanted. I would sit there at the table for days trying to figure out all of things I could possibly want. Searching through Toys-R-Us papers became my normal after school routine. Finally, I had it! The perfect Christmas list. I stared at it for a few minutes and then folded it into some neat design and let it on the table for my mom. Christmas would come around and there wouldn't be anything that I asked for or got my hopes up for there. Maybe once or twice, but for the most part - I was kind of let down. I was very grateful, because I knew there were kids there that were less fortunate than me. I just wished that one Christmas I had the things on my list. I know now that my mom worked hard and maybe she couldn't afford those things. I just wish she would have sat down and told me what it was. I would have known not to ask if I couldn't get it, you know? Maybe that's the hardest thing to do - but, it saves a crushed little boy.
December 2001. I remember this year and I'll never forget it. I moved with my father because my mother couldn't afford to keep me and go to school. I knew it would be a sacrifice, so I wasn't worried. Christmas was approaching and approaching fast. My father bought a new phone, a new microwave, a new TV, and an aquarium for his fish. I just knew that he bought me some stuff. He hyped my head up and told me to make a list, right? He told me he bought me video games and all of this great stuff. So I spent my days looking around the house for what he got me. It was my life's mission thus far. Christmas comes around and I'm spending it at his girlfriend's house with her kids. There are plenty of gifts. The whole living room is full. As they made their rounds - I waited on my gifts. My hopes were oh so high. I didn't get anything. She pulled out a toothbrush and pajamas for me, though. I was grateful, just sad that I didn't get what I've built my hopes up for. I went in the room and I cried for a while whilst everyone else played with their new toys and games. I looked at that toothbrush and I hated it. It wasn't even my favorite color. Eh, that was the saddest Christmas ever. That day changed my whole outlook about Christmas. Then I got a call from my Dad, who wasn't there by the way. He told me he was out exchanging gifts with his friends. My hopes shot back up. Maybe my gifts were back at my house. It only made sense. My dad came and picked me up and there was nothing waiting at home for me. I asked him what about the games he told me he got me. He pointed at the playstation that he got me for my birthday in March and said "There it is. It's a Christmas gift too."
I never expect anything for Christmas. I never want anything. I am truly the Grinch each and every year. I am grateful for everything - but I don't think I'll get anything. A Christmas card would make me smile when I don't expect anything. This year, I guess I went against my code. I got my hopes up and it's a hard crash back to reality when you know it's not happening. What happened to you getting those Kanye tickets? What happened to you getting that car? It hurts. Through it all, just remain grateful. That will help you through it. Be optimistic. That's all I can do and it's going to make me feel better. Maybe not tonight. Maybe not tomorrow. I know I'll be fine. I know I'll be happy. I don't know when - but I'm grateful. Someone isn't getting anything. I get less than what I got my hopes set for. God will take care of what else that I'm unable to get at this moment. I need things. I'm sure he'll make a way for me.
Eh? Honestly? Who am I kidding?
3 comments:
Most def. feeling this post.
Lay back & let God deal with it. That's all we really can do you know?
You're in still in my prayers, btw. <3
Message me with your address.
I'd like to send you a Christmas card.
this is deep jay, i understand where you're coming from though.
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