See me, I'm talking about something I like to call it.

I guess I've just come to terms with this whole "the end of things as we know it" thing. It's just more depression added to what I have to go through everyday, you know? Today seemed promising. I, of all people, should know that things are never what they seem. It's really heartbreaking. It just seems like nothing is supposed to work for me and that bothers me. If it's not one thing, it's another. This may sound so small to you; but given my situation, this is huge to me. I finally got my computer to run fine and work without much freezing or anything of the sorts - now my phone is tripping. Now, given the current state of my relationship - the phone and the computer is all we have right now. My computer works fine, her's goes to the shop. Her phone has problems, mine works fine. She gets a new phone, my phone acts up. Nothing works. Like, my phone just all of a sudden says "No Service". Are you serious? It doesn't give me some big alert to let me know that there is no service, either. It just says it small in the upper corner. So I could think my phone is working just fine and in actuality it's not. Then I have to restart my phone and I'm bombarded with messages. Those messages are the last blow to what has already been a bad day. They make me realize that it is the end. I don't care how anyone cuts it, it's the end. For right now, at least. I can't look at a future when I can't see a present anymore. I don't even want to return a phone call right now because I'm so upset with myself and everything else that has been happening today. I just want to go back into isolation with my headphones and drown out everything. I think that's what I'll go do. I think this whole situation hurts more because I don't have a life and I can't do anything. I don't have much to look forward to. So to hear "I'll be busy until October" pretty much means I'll be in the same place that I was before I thought of being in a relationship - missing something. This time, I don't have a job to cope with it or have a drug to alleviate me from my worries. Even if I wanted to get high, I don't have the much money to support a habit. So it's just me and these walls again. Those messages were nothing but a kick to what already appeared and felt to be a broken rib. It's just like, how stupid and careless can I be? It's my fault. I just need 10 minutes alone, really. A little more. I think I'm going to go head out to the gas station and grab a black and mild. That's what I really need right now. I hadn't even begun to tell you what's going on the rest of my day. That's a secondary feeling to the realization that it's over. The fucked up thing is, I already got past this feeling. I went through this and I've been fine with it being over. I've allowed myself to get comfortable and fall back into the same love of it. It's my fault. I should of kept it out of my life until whenever. Then, when this happens - I wouldn't be so affected by it. It would be just another spec of dust on my shoulder that could be easily tossed off with one sweep of my hand.

"I'm just a few pennies from debt."
Only if you knew. You want to know how much my bank account has in it at this very moment? $0.51. Fifty-one cents. I have a few pennies in the cup holder in my car. Heh, I've been on my "don't throw the bottles away" tip. That shit is so embarrassing. But, seriously - what else can I do? I get happy to see ten bottles under the sink. That's one whole dollar, one whole bag of chips. With six cents, I can get a burger. Lol, and it sounds like me being funny and dramatic, but that's exactly how it sounds in my head. In order to get 10 bottles, I have to spend at least $10. Luckily, my mother and her dude drink and what not. So, I'll have a dollar every 5 days. Not even, because my mom drinks wine. Sadly, there is no deposite on wine bottles.

"My problems are never new, it's revenue."
That's what it seems like right now. If I can get what I need, I think I'll be a little close to being at peace. At first, it was bad - but it wasn't unbearable because I knew I'd be leaving soon. I feel like a prisioner on review for parole and they keep changing my court date. So now I'm just sitting back in my cell waiting for another break to come through for me. Lol, that's exactly what it is. I'll be paroled someday. Until then I'll go finish my prison activities. You know, writing, reading, drawing, and smoking squares. That's really all I do, except smoking.

"Keep tellin' baby girl I'ma leave and never do."
Heh, seriously Joey? That's what's up, I guess. I'm not going to get into that line on this blog.

Hm, that's all for now.

Only certain niggas suffer from the shit.

*7:48, I'll be back later.

--

*11:28

Idk. I still feel pretty bad, if not worse. I just went to the store to get a bit of fresh air. I don't think we'll be watching our movie tonight. She hasn't said anything about it. I guess I'll prepare myself for bed and go to sleep. We've been quiet for hours. Another day wasted. I'm done feeling bad about all of that. I'm going to preoccupy myself with something and stop depending on her presence so much. I never needed anyone before, why now? I'm good by myself. I need to start realizing that. I was raised as an only child - so, I'm used to doing things alone. Alone I will be.

See, all I really wanted was to enjoy myself this weekend. I wanted to enjoy her. I wanted to cherish what little bit that we have now. And that shit doesn't work. It never works. I swear. It's always something and I'm so sick and tired of it. I just tired to tell her what's bothering me and she made it seem like I was trying to start an argument. That really wasn't the case. I was trying to open up. I asked a simple question which could have been a yes or no. One or the other would have determined how I approached it. If she said Yes, then I would have been more apologetic and explained that that's not the case and assured her that I still do care. If no, I would have been a little more straight with it and let her know the deal as if I see it. But, no. Jay tries to talk, Jay is starting an argument.

I sit here crying, afuckinggain. It's terrible, yo. Like, my life isn't what I need it to be. I'm a wreck. I think about death and my eyes swell up all over again. I have dreams that I commit suicide in front of my mother to teach her a lesson of some sorts. Its kind of disturbing. Last night I had a dream that someone shot me in the head and I lived. I just had this big hole in my head. It was a pain and a disfiguration I had to walk around with for the duration of the rest of the dream. I felt the pain and I woke up with a terrible headache. It saddens me that I have happier thoughts about dying instead of being here. I need some type of professional help, maybe? It's really bothering me. I don't want to be morbid, I don't. The last time I had an abundance of thoughts like this I acted upon them. I don't want to do that again.

I'm in desperate need of something.