Sleepless nights, tiring mornings. I haven't been to sleep and I'm kind of good. I don't know. I have this feeling. I heard when you're drowning and you get that last realization that you're about to die that you're just calm and you relax while accepting your fate. I guess that's what I feel right now. I just know that this is it and I'll accept it as is.
I'm so tired of being hurt and let down. I've said it over and over - people are there when you're up, but no where around when you're in the pits of despair. When you need someone the most, they can't come through. It's heartbreaking. Get used to that term, because I'll be using it a lot from now until whenever. I need something or just someone last night. I really do appreciate Ace, because he sat up and talked to me last night. Like he said though, only a brother like him can go so far. Let's not forget Vanessa. Although I just met her, she gave me sound advice and was able to be supportive. I mean, I love all of the things they've done, but it was second rate compared to what I wish I would of gotten. Vanessa barely knows me, but she was there. Heh. That says something.
A person can only tell me that they're trying so many times. I'm trying to be there for you. I'm trying to do this. I'm trying to do that. When is trying turned into doing? I know I'm a very complicated person, but I do have extremely simple needs and I'm easy to please. I don't need the extravagant things. All I really need is someone to be there. You know? Someone to hold me down. Every time something arises with me - the people who pledge to be there are no where to be found. When I'm up, you all are there to reap the benefits with me. I feel really redundant, but that's the honest to God truth. I can count on one finger how many people have been there for me this past year. Thanks, Ace.
I miss my old friends. I miss what we all had at a point in time. I just miss having some sort of a support group. Do you remember when we'd have a talk all night and just chill until the sun came up talking about absolutely nothing? Those three way calls from 9pm-6am knowing damned well we all had to get up in the morning? As much as I hated those random ass 3am calls asking me what I'm doing, I do miss them. What happened? I remember when we'd just joke on each other and laugh all night. Those were the days. Things were just at the peak of life then. I miss last minute plans and calling around finding something to do 15 minutes before something is supposed to happen. I really do miss watching movies with friends and passing out during the movie and waking up like I remember what happened. I don't have any friends anymore. I just have me. I guess one is the loneliest number. I'll get used to it.
So, my night - I just pretty much isolated myself in the place that I have the most privacy. It sounds weird, but my closet is the one place I can go and have some alone time. I have a huge walk in closet that fits a queen size bed in there comfortably with more than enough room to walk around. Trust me, I have a queen size bed in there now. I just went into the closet, laid on the bed and zoned out into my own thoughts. By the time I looked up, sunlight was peeking in through the crack at the bottom of the door. I laid there until maybe 11 o'clock when China called. Needless to say, I didn't pick up the phone. I just got up, brushed my teeth and then called her back. Our conversation was okay. It still didn't seem like the old days with her either. I figured we'd have some big great talk, but we didn't. Not much joking and laughing like we used to. It was a straight forward conversation with a few small chuckles. I don't know. I hope all isn't lost.
I'm so tired of being hurt and let down. I've said it over and over - people are there when you're up, but no where around when you're in the pits of despair. When you need someone the most, they can't come through. It's heartbreaking. Get used to that term, because I'll be using it a lot from now until whenever. I need something or just someone last night. I really do appreciate Ace, because he sat up and talked to me last night. Like he said though, only a brother like him can go so far. Let's not forget Vanessa. Although I just met her, she gave me sound advice and was able to be supportive. I mean, I love all of the things they've done, but it was second rate compared to what I wish I would of gotten. Vanessa barely knows me, but she was there. Heh. That says something.
A person can only tell me that they're trying so many times. I'm trying to be there for you. I'm trying to do this. I'm trying to do that. When is trying turned into doing? I know I'm a very complicated person, but I do have extremely simple needs and I'm easy to please. I don't need the extravagant things. All I really need is someone to be there. You know? Someone to hold me down. Every time something arises with me - the people who pledge to be there are no where to be found. When I'm up, you all are there to reap the benefits with me. I feel really redundant, but that's the honest to God truth. I can count on one finger how many people have been there for me this past year. Thanks, Ace.
I miss my old friends. I miss what we all had at a point in time. I just miss having some sort of a support group. Do you remember when we'd have a talk all night and just chill until the sun came up talking about absolutely nothing? Those three way calls from 9pm-6am knowing damned well we all had to get up in the morning? As much as I hated those random ass 3am calls asking me what I'm doing, I do miss them. What happened? I remember when we'd just joke on each other and laugh all night. Those were the days. Things were just at the peak of life then. I miss last minute plans and calling around finding something to do 15 minutes before something is supposed to happen. I really do miss watching movies with friends and passing out during the movie and waking up like I remember what happened. I don't have any friends anymore. I just have me. I guess one is the loneliest number. I'll get used to it.
So, my night - I just pretty much isolated myself in the place that I have the most privacy. It sounds weird, but my closet is the one place I can go and have some alone time. I have a huge walk in closet that fits a queen size bed in there comfortably with more than enough room to walk around. Trust me, I have a queen size bed in there now. I just went into the closet, laid on the bed and zoned out into my own thoughts. By the time I looked up, sunlight was peeking in through the crack at the bottom of the door. I laid there until maybe 11 o'clock when China called. Needless to say, I didn't pick up the phone. I just got up, brushed my teeth and then called her back. Our conversation was okay. It still didn't seem like the old days with her either. I figured we'd have some big great talk, but we didn't. Not much joking and laughing like we used to. It was a straight forward conversation with a few small chuckles. I don't know. I hope all isn't lost.
1 comment:
budden is a beast, bruh.
damn.
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