More or less the feeling is the same...

I feel so inadequate in every portion of my life. I mean, I try with all I have but it's never good enough for anything. People wonder why I keep to myself or why I don't make friends. I'm better off with me and you are better off without me. This is not a cry for help, nor is this a plead for attention. This is simply my thoughts and feelings about everything as of today. I'm inadequate.

I remember reading a piece of Marianne Williamson and in it she wrote "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." - You know, for a minute, I believed that and it uplifted me. I've now realized that I put a false sense of hope into that small piece in order to find peace. Instead, I lived my life thinking it was alright when indeed it wasn't. My deepest fear is that I am inadequate. My deepest fear is that I won't amount to anything in life or with anyone in life. You're not understanding, though.

Each time I go through this, I feel that you're better off without me. I think you would be so much happier without this person. See, what I can't do, another one will. What I fail in, another one prevails. I'm far from perfect and I don't think I have the slightest energy in me to take a step at being perfect. I'm not where I need to be to continue to keep your happiness. This is indeed my fault every time it happens. This is indeed because of me. It's not you, it really is me. I'm sorry, I truly am.

My future is so dim. I've put all I had into this move and making my life what I figured would be the best I could have. In return, I find out that all of this work I put forth is in vain. Everything that I saved for, everything that I worked for is all pointless. The school I thought I'd be attending is nothing but a fraud. The industry I want to break into is low paying and there is no job security. My dreams are fairytale-ish. You don't understand, though.

I woke up today in high spirits. I felt great and I was prepared to wait out this weekend until Monday when I was able to feed myself or do something for myself. Now I feel terrible. I've thought too hard and made myself sick. I can do nothing but lay here in this bed and type my life and frustrations away. I'm dizzy all over again. The same feeling I had yesterday is coming back. This is so uncomfortable. I'll just go to sleep. I have no plans for the rest of this month. I'll just sit in the house, I guess. There is nothing else to do.

I guess I am depressed, I guess I am stressed. I've been lying to myself and saying that I'm not. What's the best cure for this? There really isn't any. I remember when I was 14 or so, they recommended pills. Eh, that shit never works and I'd be a fool to even believe that taking them would alleviate any type of feeling. I think it's all a matter of will power and wanting to be better. It's hard to be optimistic in a time like this. I've overcome this before and I don't doubt that I will again. It's just, how many times can I allow myself to slip into this coma of depression?

This is not here for you to judge me. This is not here for you to form an opinion of me. This is simply me being able to speak to myself about things that I can't speak to anyone else about. Things that seem like no one really understands. Please keep your opinions and thoughts to yourself, especially if you don't know me.

Anyway, I'm going to sleep.