My date was almost ruined. It's starting later than expected - but I swear, it was damn near ruined. I really felt a moment of defeat for about an hour or so. It really took a lot out of me. It was like having a Christmas gift ripped from under you as a child. The thing is, you can't do much about it because your parents have to take it back. It's not that they don't want you to have it, it's just they need the extra money. So, it sucks - but you can't do shit about it but feel sucky. That's how I felt. Well, good thing my date is back on. I don't know what I would of done this weekend if it didn't happen. Last weekend was a failure and this one was my make up. Let's see how it goes. I'm going to blog until it's time for me to go and get ready. I know, I know, what date starts at damned near 12AM? The movies, dickface.

And this is how you make it a movie night, ho.

I'm somewhat extra depressed right now. Being in this house just takes away all of my joy. There is a spirit of oppression here. I feel like a prisoner in a place where I'm supposed to find shelter. I don't know what to do about it, but live each day in this house and become more stressed out and more depressed. It's really draining me and there is nothing that I can do. I notice I have the biggest smile and the biggest laugh when I'm gone - but when I'm here, I just can't seem to conjure up enough strength to laugh. I'm always so quiet here and I walk around in a deep thought. A deep thought of being away from here. It's like that Kanye line: "My real life starts when I go to sleep." My life begins when I can get away from this place in my dreams. Sometimes I do dream about it. I never once had a dream about this place being my home, though. My home in my dreams is always someplace different. That's weird. I've had a dream that this house was my teachers house before. Actually, last night my dream was here. It was my home. My girlfriend was home with me. My dream felt like home. She's where home is.

I want to smile and I want to talk, but I absolutely cannot. It's just here. I feel like the weight will be lifted as soon as I leave this place. These plain white walls will be the death of me. I can see them looking at me and snickering at my grievance. There is nothing I can do but hide my face under my pillows and put the cover over my head. My mother is the darkness in this house for me. When she's here, my whole mood dives into a place where I can't even cheer myself up. She's like my black hole of negativity. I can't look at her without feeling sick, upset, depressed, sad, and just terrible. I love her, I do - but it's just something about her and her presence that just bothers my soul. I can't feel home with her. I feel so uneasy. I hope you understand what I mean.