I remember when I was with "Janika" when I'd stay up all night knowing damned well I had to get up for basketball practice, class, and work the next morning. I did it because I loved her and what not. Well, I didn't love her - I loved the facade that she put up. I would have done anything for that facade, even if it meant compromising the rest of my day for it. I remember once I had to be up at 6 and I stayed up until 5 talking to her all night because that's what she wanted. I remember those all nighters that I'd pull. Getting what sleep I could in between my breaks and what not. Those seemed like the longest days ever, but I had the biggest smile on my face because her facade made me happy. Red eyes and all, I didn't care. I did it because I loved the facade. If she would have asked me to go three days without sleep just so that I can watch her jump rope, I would have done it and went about the rest of my day as chipper as possible. Knowing damned well that I couldn't keep focused because I was so tired.

Well, all of that seemed to be for nothing. She was one big lie. Every emotion I felt for her was just something of a game to her. She broke the hell out of my heart with each lie that revealed itself. That's the first time that I've known some type of pain caused at the hands of a love; or what I thought was love. See, as hard as I tried to keep her happy - I couldn't. The times when I had the longest days imaginable. You know? The days where I had class at 7:15, work at 3:30, and a basketball game at 7:30 - I stayed up all night for her. It just seemed so pointless. Actually, it was pointless. What did I get out of it? Nothing. My stocks crashed in that investment. I guess I can blame Bush for that one too.

I think I'm waiting for someone to reciprocate what I did for her. Is God going to pay me back for what I went through with her or was that him paying me back for something that I did. I don't know, man. Because now, it's like, I really don't know what I want to say. I mean, I do know, but I just don't know or I just don't want to say it. What I do know is that that made no sense to you. Sorry. I'm rambling, forgive me. Am I going to get my pain back in 10 fold happiness? What's so fucked up about that is, I was going through something completely life altering at the time that her facade became known. She was just a stab in a weak heart. I'm selfish, I guess. I want everything that I did for her back. Not like, from her. I just want to know how she felt. She didn't deserve to feel like that. I did. Maybe that's causing my relationship now to go to hell.