Envy becomes your bestfriend when you're down. Although, It's not a character trait that I normally possess, envy has found it's way into me through the gaping cracks of stress. I want everything that you have going for you. It's a sin to covet; but we're all sinners right? No sin is greater than the other, therefore, my envious ways are the same as your little white lie.

It's not that I'm upset that you have what you have. It's just that I'm upset I don't have what you have. I hear so many people come to me complaining about how much school sucks and all of that great stuff. I'd give anything to have school stress right now. All I want to do is be in school and you people take advantage of it. When do you hear someone wish they could be in a class learning something at this very moment? You bitch and moan about doing a paper or homework and I sit here wishing that I could have the privileges that you have while being in school. I want that education. If all you have is school stress, then you are extremely blessed.

I have no reason to wake up in the morning, besides having a girlfriend that I know is there for me. Some days I wake up and wish that I hadn't. Do you know how it feels to wake up each morning knowing that there is nothing for you? I feel like I'm wasting my purpose. Eh, whatever that might be. You way up and you have a job to go to or some kind of class to be in. I have nothing.

My life wasn't supposed to be like this. I sleep in a closet, yo. Probably about 8 feet high, 12 feet long, and another 8 feet wide. Do you know what the size of that is? It's a standard US prison cell. Is this all I have? A fucking prison cell closet? That's exactly what it feels like because once that door closes, it's lights out. No windows and only one way out of it. Two months ago I just knew I'd be in sunny Florida with a new apartment and starting the rest of my life with a new education and a new start. No, I sleep in a fucking closet. I don't have money to feed myself. There has to be more to life than this because this ain't livin'.

What's holding me back is money. If you know me, you know I've never been short for money. I've always had what I wanted when I wanted. It's a big drop off compared to a few months ago. It's not like I want money to spend on pointless things that I really don't need. I need money for school.

Seriously, yo? This is my life, huh? I see this man every time I go to the store. He rides a bike and he's always head first in some trash can looking for bottles to take to the store. Then he looks up and he has the most defeated look on his face. Sadly, I know how he feels because that's the same look I wake up with. I can't help but to think that'll be me one day.

Everyone has something. My girlfriend is going to Paris. I don't know. I'm really happy for her, but then again it makes me sad everytime she says something about it. I guess I'm envious. I know I'm not supposed to be, but I am. I want to have something to look forward to. My life gets lower and everyone else around me gets something amazing. I was supposed to be in Europe this year, specifically Spain. That was the first plan. I was going to study abroad for a year or two then come back to the United States and work here while studying for my last two years. Well, needless to say - all of that fell apart. My sister got a boyfriend, fell in love and forgot all about her brother. I mean, all yesterday - I watched every bit of three TV shows. Each TV show had something to do with Paris. Smart Guy, Mo was failing his French Class. Heroes, the little fast chick was running through Paris. My Own Worst Enemy, Edward/Harry had a hit in Paris. Like, great? Way to remind me that life just gets better and better for the rest of you. It's cool, I'm not tripping. I had a plan B, but look how well that went. She's going to Paris, everyone else is in school, Eric has a new job. And what do I have? Nothing.

I'm envious.