Okay, let's talk. While she sleeps, I'll continue my thoughts here. I tried to lay in the dark and think to myself, but it's extremely hard to just think. I need to have some type of release, you know? Speaking of need - that's what we're going to discuss tonight. Needing something or someone. What do you need to get by? Do you need someone? Let's really get into that. I hope this helps you or you're able to relate to it. I do have a lot of things on my mind right now. After this blog I'll go finish up a song that I've been working on. Anyway back on track - let's talk about needing someone or something. When you absolutely need something or someone it's hard to really be let down by that person or something that you go to for a release.
I've never really needed something or someone in my life. I've always been a solo type of person. I'm usually able to talk myself out of things that make me sad - but lately, I haven't necessarily been able to do that. I've found myself being needy. I've found myself depending on someone that can't necessarily be there in the ways that they'd like. It's like, heartbreaking seriously. It's like holding on to a rope for your dear life and the rope snaps. There is nothing you can do but fall. Falling is the hardest part. When you go through things, the last thing you want to do is fall. You want to hold on to that rope and know damned well that it's able to hold you up. What do you do when you're not sure? Do you take the leap and hold on in faith, or do you just not do it at all. See, me - I'd rather not know, than try and be disappointed. Disappointment in my life is too much.
Sometimes I do wish I had that one person that I can go to for everything - but I don't. I don't have that. Never had it in any relationship. I just wish - I had someone for that. I wish I had someone to wipe my tears away. My relationships are never the type were I can be open and know for sure that I'll be able to have that security in myself. Sometimes thoughts get overwhelming. I've never been one to literally cry, but it's just - I don't know. My life gets so hard these days. I need someone and it's not there. As much as a person can say that they're there for you - deep down inside, you know that they can't be there because you need much more. You need sometime of professional help. I need some kind of professional help. One minute, I'll be okay with what's going on and then depression really makes it's way to me. Especially at night when it's just me and me alone. I seriously do hate being alone at night. It just seems like this is where all of my demons haunt me and this is where my thoughts become so overwhelming that it begins to physically hurt. I don't want to put this type of pressure on anyone. As much as I do need someone, I'm selfless enough to deal with this alone. As much as I'd love to be able to turn to a person and have them pat me on the back, I'm selfless enough to smile and act like I'm fine so that they can continue with what they have to get done throughout their life. I don't want to alter anyone's day and have them thinking about me.
Call me strange, call me weak - but for these past few nights, I can't do anything but cry. It's crazy. I hadn't shed a tear in so long. Once I'm alone and it all sets back in, everything just comes back out all over again. Those same wounds are reopened. I can't help it. It's harder and harder to lie to myself and act like I'm okay when I can't hold back a tear these days. I just had to hang up the phone on Ki because it's coming about again. I can't put her through this. So I'm going to call her back and act like the phone lost signal and try to make it seem like I'm fine. That's all I can really do. I can't have her worrying about me. As much as people preach to me about 'that's your girlfriend, you can't tell her not to worry' - you don't know what it's like. You don't know how it feels to know that you can't help yourself right now and let alone watch someone hurt themselves trying to help you. You don't know what it's like. So if I have to lie and make it seem like I'm okay - I will. When you take a step into my world and see what I see, then you may understnad. It's not what you think. These blogs aren't exactly what's going on.
So tomorrow night is another night. I always think the next night will be better - but I'm positive tomorrow night will be the worst out of these nights, only because it's definite I'll be alone. I can't afford to be alone right now. I don't have many friends these days. I can't talk to someone and know that they're there. Everyone has their lives to live and that's fine. I really do miss having a friend. It's complicated. I don't know, man.
I've never really needed something or someone in my life. I've always been a solo type of person. I'm usually able to talk myself out of things that make me sad - but lately, I haven't necessarily been able to do that. I've found myself being needy. I've found myself depending on someone that can't necessarily be there in the ways that they'd like. It's like, heartbreaking seriously. It's like holding on to a rope for your dear life and the rope snaps. There is nothing you can do but fall. Falling is the hardest part. When you go through things, the last thing you want to do is fall. You want to hold on to that rope and know damned well that it's able to hold you up. What do you do when you're not sure? Do you take the leap and hold on in faith, or do you just not do it at all. See, me - I'd rather not know, than try and be disappointed. Disappointment in my life is too much.
Sometimes I do wish I had that one person that I can go to for everything - but I don't. I don't have that. Never had it in any relationship. I just wish - I had someone for that. I wish I had someone to wipe my tears away. My relationships are never the type were I can be open and know for sure that I'll be able to have that security in myself. Sometimes thoughts get overwhelming. I've never been one to literally cry, but it's just - I don't know. My life gets so hard these days. I need someone and it's not there. As much as a person can say that they're there for you - deep down inside, you know that they can't be there because you need much more. You need sometime of professional help. I need some kind of professional help. One minute, I'll be okay with what's going on and then depression really makes it's way to me. Especially at night when it's just me and me alone. I seriously do hate being alone at night. It just seems like this is where all of my demons haunt me and this is where my thoughts become so overwhelming that it begins to physically hurt. I don't want to put this type of pressure on anyone. As much as I do need someone, I'm selfless enough to deal with this alone. As much as I'd love to be able to turn to a person and have them pat me on the back, I'm selfless enough to smile and act like I'm fine so that they can continue with what they have to get done throughout their life. I don't want to alter anyone's day and have them thinking about me.
Call me strange, call me weak - but for these past few nights, I can't do anything but cry. It's crazy. I hadn't shed a tear in so long. Once I'm alone and it all sets back in, everything just comes back out all over again. Those same wounds are reopened. I can't help it. It's harder and harder to lie to myself and act like I'm okay when I can't hold back a tear these days. I just had to hang up the phone on Ki because it's coming about again. I can't put her through this. So I'm going to call her back and act like the phone lost signal and try to make it seem like I'm fine. That's all I can really do. I can't have her worrying about me. As much as people preach to me about 'that's your girlfriend, you can't tell her not to worry' - you don't know what it's like. You don't know how it feels to know that you can't help yourself right now and let alone watch someone hurt themselves trying to help you. You don't know what it's like. So if I have to lie and make it seem like I'm okay - I will. When you take a step into my world and see what I see, then you may understnad. It's not what you think. These blogs aren't exactly what's going on.
So tomorrow night is another night. I always think the next night will be better - but I'm positive tomorrow night will be the worst out of these nights, only because it's definite I'll be alone. I can't afford to be alone right now. I don't have many friends these days. I can't talk to someone and know that they're there. Everyone has their lives to live and that's fine. I really do miss having a friend. It's complicated. I don't know, man.
4 comments:
Jay, i know your going through a rough time and i can tell you need some one to talk too, i might not understand exactly everything your going through, but i know you need some one that you can just talk to even if your selflessness has the feel not to and smile so that others can go on with there lives, because not every one can do that seeing you hurt bothers me, i don't like for people to feel like no one is there for them, i want you to know that you can talk to me about what ever and if listen is all you want me to do, then i'll listen i'll give you all the time you need to just talk to me if you want, i know how it feels to just want some one to listen and you did that for me, i just want you to know that i'm here for you Jay and i care for you dearly.
im reading "Therapy for Dummies" so you know i got you Jay. that's why we have friends, or whatever you call us. so we can do shit for eachother, and talk out problems.
i got that extra big couch from Ikea too, so you're good.
I know we're not the closest of buddies, but you know I'm an ear if you need it, a shoulder if you need it, a calm word if you need it.
And even though I doubt you'll ever ask for it, I hope just knowing you'd have it does something for you.
I kinda wish there is something I can say to make you feel better.I know how you feel because I used to be that way and in all honesty,if my husband left,idk what I'd do.Not only do I want him,but there are a lot of times where I NEED him,so I see where you're coming from.One thing my husband has taught me to see is that sure there are times I need him,but other times I have to depend on myself.Just like with you,there's not gonna be someone pushing you along,sometimes you just have to man up and need yourself.I know its a sucky feeling,but you'll get through it.
;)
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