I can ride my bike with no handlebars. Sometimes I just want to speed in my car and just let go of the wheel and see where my car drifts off to. Do I trust that God will keep me safe, or will I grab the wheel at the last moment? I don't know if I'll ever try it, but it just seems like life would be extremely beautiful if I had the courage to do so. I don't know, things aren't going my way. One day. That's my slogan for right now. I just keep telling myself one day. If you can't figure it out, then you will never get it. I mean, there are many meanings for that - you choose which one applies to you and let it just be one day for you as well.
Brooke asked a great question. What's one thing that I need right now? I couldn't just limit it to one. I'm in need of so much at this very moment. I'm not a needy person, but I do believe I'd be so much better off with the resources. What are resources?I don't know, honestly. I just need them. Whether it be a fat sack of cali bud, or a thousand dollars. I'm just in dire need of something. I wish you could see me and not the facade I put forth to you. I wonder would you look at me differently. You probably would. You'd see that I'm human. You know? Just like you. I have the biggest personality ever, but I'm just like you.
It's absolutely funny how much support and friends you have when you're doing good. From as small to blog comments when my blogs are uppity to the number of phone calls I get when I'm sad. Uppity blogs, I've gotten anywhere from 50-125 comments. No one cares to offer insight when you're going through shit. They chunk up the deuce and pledge to see you when they see you. Keep your head up, right? I don't get many phone calls from people checking to see how I'm doing when I'm down, either. If they do call me, they'd rather not hold a conversation. If I can't do for you then fuck me, hm? I guess that's how it is these days. Roll with the punches your get punched.
Seven years ago, I was 12 years old. I sat in class wondering what everything on the TV's in the hallways were. My school didn't give us much information. As a matter of fact, I had to learn about the situation from an ecstatic friend of mine. She was scared into tears. That's the first time I'd ever come so close to seeing real fear. Nothing phased me much until I saw tears rolling down her face. I couldn't do much about it but hug her in the hallway and say a prayer. I was quite mature for my age, as I am today. We knelt down in the hallway and she cried on my shoulder while everyone ran past once they found out what happened. Authority figures tried to keep the students calm, but could you blame them? Everything we've known in our short lives have just been changed. I had a plan that day. You see, I was going to get up and go to school. Shortly after school, I'd go return my library books that were due back on that day. Truth be told, I still have those books stamped to be returned on September 11th, 2001. Back then my Uncle, who is now deceased, was battling cancer and so was his wife, my aunt. They were both scheduled to board one of the plains that crashed into the towers, but my uncle's cancer equipment set off metal detectors at the airport and they ended up missing their flight because of the hold up. I'm glad God put that in their way. I don't know what I would have done to know that I lost them like that. They're both gone now after years of fighting cancer. I thank God they died in their sleep instead of a horrible plane crash that would change the face of the world and spark something close to World War 3.
I'm not ready to cut this blog yet. Usually I stop blogging when it gets to a certain length to appease my readers. This time, I honestly don't care. If you make it here or not, it's on you. I don't blog for you. I blog for me. If I didn't write, I don't know what I'd do. I'd probably be an angry person waiting to speak to someone about my life's problems. I wish I did have that person to talk to. I really don't have anyone to talk to. Well, someone that I can go to with the best feeling. I need to be interested into speaking about what's going on, you know? I had a person like that. Alicia. I miss her. We shared everything that happened in life. She was so easy to talk to because she had her own problems and she included me in everything she went through. I felt connected to her and I was able to sympathize with her situations. Ah, Brooke and I had that relationship when we first met. I don't know what happened to her and I. I kind of miss having friends like that. I don't need an ear to listen, you know? I need a conversation a lot of the times. An ear to listen to doesn't do much for me. If I just wanted someone to listen, I could blog. Ace is easy to talk to. He always has the best advice. I once remember he told me "No one jumps hurdles to pick them up and throw them back in front to jump over them again. We jump them and get run on to the next one." - That's the realest shit I'd ever heard, next to Alivia, another friend of mine, telling me "Stop saying 'I can't' and start saying 'how can I?'" I still live with both of those words of wisdom this day. I don't have anyone in my life that can sit there and give me that advice that I sometimes need to hear.
I can't feel sorry for you if you keep putting yourself in the same situation. Some people complain to me about things and for the first few times, I really do empathize with them and their situation. After a while, it's like what are you doing to get out of that? If it's nothing, or if you keep putting yourself there - then sorry, you deserve it. Like, I have a family member who's supposedly in love with this guy. He was married when they met and she's been the side chick since then. She swears that he loves her. She cried her heart out when she found out he was cheating. Like, uh duh? That's what he's been doing all along. He's married for crying out loud. The cheating escalated to physical abuse. Yea, I felt some type of way about dude for the longest because of that and I still do. There is no excuse to put your hands on a woman whatsoever. She finally left him. Then all of a sudden, he's back in her apartment and she's all cool with him again. Needless to say, he does it again but this time he rapes her as well. I'm still upset about it and it's bothering me more. Third time it happens, fourth time it happens, fifth time it happens. Now I'm like, wow? Why do you keep putting yourself in that situation. I feel bad because the guy got deported back to Jamaica and she's been crying her heart out about it, but I can't sit there and listen to her moan and groan about how good of a man he is and how she misses him and wants him. I really can't. I don't feel sorry about the situation and I do feel sorry because I don't. On a lighter note, you have people who complain about peoples character - but you lose all right to complain when you allow them back in your life countless times. Seriously.
I'm extra sleepy right now. I was actually half sleep before I got up and blogged. My head hurts and my throat hurts as well. I'm going to get back in the bed and go to sleep. I hope that I sleep well. I hadn't had a great nights sleep in so long. I have everything to worry about once those lights go out and it's just me in the bed with nothing to keep me company. When the world sleeps, I worry. I know worrying is a sin, but I can't help it. I hope God knows. I really have a head full of gray hair. I remember my boy's mom asked me if I had gray hair. I told her I did and she gave me the biggest hug ever and told me if I ever needed to talk then I could talk to her about anything. How'd she know it was stress? It could of been hereditary. I mean, of course it was stress and I really did need that hug. It felt like someone cared. I don't think I'll ever take her up on that offer - but it's nice to know that she's there.
Alright, it's been real.
Brooke asked a great question. What's one thing that I need right now? I couldn't just limit it to one. I'm in need of so much at this very moment. I'm not a needy person, but I do believe I'd be so much better off with the resources. What are resources?I don't know, honestly. I just need them. Whether it be a fat sack of cali bud, or a thousand dollars. I'm just in dire need of something. I wish you could see me and not the facade I put forth to you. I wonder would you look at me differently. You probably would. You'd see that I'm human. You know? Just like you. I have the biggest personality ever, but I'm just like you.
It's absolutely funny how much support and friends you have when you're doing good. From as small to blog comments when my blogs are uppity to the number of phone calls I get when I'm sad. Uppity blogs, I've gotten anywhere from 50-125 comments. No one cares to offer insight when you're going through shit. They chunk up the deuce and pledge to see you when they see you. Keep your head up, right? I don't get many phone calls from people checking to see how I'm doing when I'm down, either. If they do call me, they'd rather not hold a conversation. If I can't do for you then fuck me, hm? I guess that's how it is these days. Roll with the punches your get punched.
Seven years ago, I was 12 years old. I sat in class wondering what everything on the TV's in the hallways were. My school didn't give us much information. As a matter of fact, I had to learn about the situation from an ecstatic friend of mine. She was scared into tears. That's the first time I'd ever come so close to seeing real fear. Nothing phased me much until I saw tears rolling down her face. I couldn't do much about it but hug her in the hallway and say a prayer. I was quite mature for my age, as I am today. We knelt down in the hallway and she cried on my shoulder while everyone ran past once they found out what happened. Authority figures tried to keep the students calm, but could you blame them? Everything we've known in our short lives have just been changed. I had a plan that day. You see, I was going to get up and go to school. Shortly after school, I'd go return my library books that were due back on that day. Truth be told, I still have those books stamped to be returned on September 11th, 2001. Back then my Uncle, who is now deceased, was battling cancer and so was his wife, my aunt. They were both scheduled to board one of the plains that crashed into the towers, but my uncle's cancer equipment set off metal detectors at the airport and they ended up missing their flight because of the hold up. I'm glad God put that in their way. I don't know what I would have done to know that I lost them like that. They're both gone now after years of fighting cancer. I thank God they died in their sleep instead of a horrible plane crash that would change the face of the world and spark something close to World War 3.
I'm not ready to cut this blog yet. Usually I stop blogging when it gets to a certain length to appease my readers. This time, I honestly don't care. If you make it here or not, it's on you. I don't blog for you. I blog for me. If I didn't write, I don't know what I'd do. I'd probably be an angry person waiting to speak to someone about my life's problems. I wish I did have that person to talk to. I really don't have anyone to talk to. Well, someone that I can go to with the best feeling. I need to be interested into speaking about what's going on, you know? I had a person like that. Alicia. I miss her. We shared everything that happened in life. She was so easy to talk to because she had her own problems and she included me in everything she went through. I felt connected to her and I was able to sympathize with her situations. Ah, Brooke and I had that relationship when we first met. I don't know what happened to her and I. I kind of miss having friends like that. I don't need an ear to listen, you know? I need a conversation a lot of the times. An ear to listen to doesn't do much for me. If I just wanted someone to listen, I could blog. Ace is easy to talk to. He always has the best advice. I once remember he told me "No one jumps hurdles to pick them up and throw them back in front to jump over them again. We jump them and get run on to the next one." - That's the realest shit I'd ever heard, next to Alivia, another friend of mine, telling me "Stop saying 'I can't' and start saying 'how can I?'" I still live with both of those words of wisdom this day. I don't have anyone in my life that can sit there and give me that advice that I sometimes need to hear.
I can't feel sorry for you if you keep putting yourself in the same situation. Some people complain to me about things and for the first few times, I really do empathize with them and their situation. After a while, it's like what are you doing to get out of that? If it's nothing, or if you keep putting yourself there - then sorry, you deserve it. Like, I have a family member who's supposedly in love with this guy. He was married when they met and she's been the side chick since then. She swears that he loves her. She cried her heart out when she found out he was cheating. Like, uh duh? That's what he's been doing all along. He's married for crying out loud. The cheating escalated to physical abuse. Yea, I felt some type of way about dude for the longest because of that and I still do. There is no excuse to put your hands on a woman whatsoever. She finally left him. Then all of a sudden, he's back in her apartment and she's all cool with him again. Needless to say, he does it again but this time he rapes her as well. I'm still upset about it and it's bothering me more. Third time it happens, fourth time it happens, fifth time it happens. Now I'm like, wow? Why do you keep putting yourself in that situation. I feel bad because the guy got deported back to Jamaica and she's been crying her heart out about it, but I can't sit there and listen to her moan and groan about how good of a man he is and how she misses him and wants him. I really can't. I don't feel sorry about the situation and I do feel sorry because I don't. On a lighter note, you have people who complain about peoples character - but you lose all right to complain when you allow them back in your life countless times. Seriously.
I'm extra sleepy right now. I was actually half sleep before I got up and blogged. My head hurts and my throat hurts as well. I'm going to get back in the bed and go to sleep. I hope that I sleep well. I hadn't had a great nights sleep in so long. I have everything to worry about once those lights go out and it's just me in the bed with nothing to keep me company. When the world sleeps, I worry. I know worrying is a sin, but I can't help it. I hope God knows. I really have a head full of gray hair. I remember my boy's mom asked me if I had gray hair. I told her I did and she gave me the biggest hug ever and told me if I ever needed to talk then I could talk to her about anything. How'd she know it was stress? It could of been hereditary. I mean, of course it was stress and I really did need that hug. It felt like someone cared. I don't think I'll ever take her up on that offer - but it's nice to know that she's there.
Alright, it's been real.
7 comments:
Your blog is always interesting, and I absolutely agree with needing not just an ear, but someone to talk to. But it's hard finding that type of person these days. I'm in the same boat, but no one gives a damn if you didn't have a pot to piss in - no one cares anymore you know? I really hope you find someone that'll be there for you reguardless of your situations.
And as far as the "placing yourself in these types of situations" I'm ashamed to say I was once guilty of that. Complaining doesn't get you anywhere, especially when you already know the answer to your problems. Lessons learned.
Everything in this post is on some real, and I'm glad I passed by here. You and I don't know eachother much, but I honestly wish the best for you yo. No one deserves to be down, especially a nice fella like yourself.
Peace&Love.
We're all in need to an certain extent. I mean, I find myself needing more than I could every comprehend to myself, dude. From my relationship, to some close friends. Or just my older sister, I latch on to her when I find myself hopeless with family issues. I'm needy when I need it. But dude, I've hoped on your behalf. Not that pity hope, or that hopeless hope. But actually "move towards the light Carolanne" hope, that you would find someone to match your standards precisely. I guess, I could always understand where you came from, in that aspect, because I was sort of mirrored in same sense, if you know what I mean? With that same person? Yeah, you know what I mean.
But people are shit these days. And that is just my personal opinion. It is hard to find a ear amongst the crowd. Like V said, it is very hard. But I guess we can be at fault too, thinking some people can be trusted with our lives entirely. But what can you do? Not trust and keep shit bottled in? Of course you can't because then you have those sleepless nights and the stress.
Dude, you're in my prayers man. On something serious, not to be mushy and just say, "you're in my prayers" and not give a damn in actuality. But you are, amongst a lot of people.
Sometimes you just need to know someone refers you to God more than themselves, you know?
V, thank you. Your comment really made me smile.
Carmine, really dude. I feel exactly what you're saying. Lol, man - god! That's whats up. You know what I'm talking about with that situation and what not. It's good to know, seriously. I'm also extra appreciative of the prayers. I know what you mean, dude. Sometimes I do need someone to stand in the gap for me with God.
You still have me.
:(
i can lead a nation with a microphone
with a microphone
a microphoneeeeeeee.
China, I really don't. You've disappeared. I was just telling Ki that you and I have fallen apart. We're not as close as we were at a point in time. It's kind of sad, really. I miss what we had. You know our conversation and what not. Eh, I didn't think you and I would become one of those "how are you doing? Oh that's cool" sets of friends.
:[
Jay,
You've inspired me. I've just met you, but I already feel like I know a little about you and we can relate. I commend you on your discipline and dedication on making it to blog 200. Hopefully I will get there someday.
"I'm not ready to cut this blog yet. Usually I stop blogging when it gets to a certain length to appease my readers. This time, I honestly don't care. If you make it here or not, it's on you. I don't blog for you. I blog for me. If I didn't write, I don't know what I'd do. I'd probably be an angry person waiting to speak to someone about my life's problems. I wish I did have that person to talk to."
Word, yo.
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