Let's talk. It's been a while since I sat down and really had a one on one with you. I know I've found a new place to share my inner most thoughts, but you're still my first love. This blog is the place that I've grown and had the best and worst days for the past year. I appreciate you for being here with each up and down in my life. From all of my failed attempts to find happiness to all of my success in overcoming depression. It's crazy going back and thinking about how much I've overcome in this past year. Still, if I count my losses I'm still in the negative. This year hasn't been exactly a great one for me. It's been harder than I can imagine life would be for me; especially for these past few months. I still try to remain optimistic about everything, but that gets more trying with each day. It's eh? I don't even know how to explain it. I mean, my dreams seem to be falling apart right in front of me. Life, man, I guess this is how it's meant to be. It seems like I'll never really know what's there for me.

Usually when I blog about my relationship, it's always how great it is or something that I feel that she did to bother me. The things that I feel bitchy if I speak about. This time, I'll change the tune a bit. Let's talk about me. Let's take a minute to examine the inner workings of me. Those very things that make me feel so sub par. For the most part of this relationship, I take the weight of everything that ever goes wrong. Not because I'm naive, but because it's mostly my fault. If it's not my fault, by the end of the situation I've done something to escalate it which makes it my fault that the argument is now bigger than it needs to be. A few of you who read my blog actually know me. You know that I'm not one to raise my voice or ever get affected by anything. I've raised my voice twice and I find my feelings being put in a position where they're hurt. Who am I to raise my voice at someone? Who am I to yell and curse at someone? I'm nothing but a mere man who can't even find the means to support himself. The same woman who has given her own time and more than enough funds to make sure that I'm good. Who am I to disrespect her and get loud? Thinking about it, I feel like I'm the worst boyfriend ever to call himself a boyfriend. I haven't yelled at anyone else, why her? She doesn't deserve that. Like, I don't like people yelling at me - so why do I do it to her? I'm not a verbally abusive person, I promise I'm not. I don't want raising my voice to become a habit and something I'm comfortable with. God knows that I'm not the type of person to do so. God help me.

It's been extremely rough, seriously. I can't remember the last time I had a real meal. The last time that I ate anything other than a bag of chips was on Sunday. I had enough money to get Rally's. Then on Tuesday I gave my last money so someone else could eat. I promise you when I say I gave my LAST. All I have is pennies left in my cup holder in my car. Sadly, I'm walking around in $400 outfits without a dime in my pocket. It's crazy how life can make such a drastic turn in a matter of months. It's depressing, really. I didn't leave the house with less than $600 back in May. Today, I'd be blessed to have $6 in my pockets. It's wild, man. Sometimes I can't do anything but laugh at it. God will give it to you and he's able to take it away in a heartbeat. When you lose it all, that's when you're humbled. I know whenever I get back on my feet that I will not be buying two pair of shoes a week and spending countless dollars on dumb stuff. Trust me on that.

Now, let's tell you this. If you comment, make sure your comment is relevant to what is going on. I think you people have it confused that my comments are a place that you hold a conversation with whoever is there. Don't comment me commenting on someone else's comments. I honestly don't need your comments; although I do keep them open so that you don't get in my yahoo box talking about things you read on my blog. I'll also tell you, these days I'm not in the best spirits. I'm not up for you insulting me or talking shit. I'd appreciate it if you kept that to yourself. People need to realize that when I say I'm not in the mood, I'm seriously not in the mood. I respect you when you say that you don't want to be bothered - so give me the same respect. That's all I ask.