I guess this is post-withdrawal.

I just went to sleep a few hours ago, and I'm back up again. There is so much on my mind to talk about, but I'd rather not. I think this is going to be somewhat of a 'down' blog. I'm warning you now. So if you only come to my blog for a laugh and what not, you may want to hit the back button at the top of your browser and return to whatever other website you were viewing or blog you were lurking.

I sat there all night just looking. I tried to feel normal and talk to a few people online, but it didn't make me any difference. It's only a facade. I tossed and turned trying to get myself to fall asleep, but I couldn't. You know, I even thought about counting sheep. I mean, we all know that it never works, but the thought seemed so nice. The bad thing about counting sheep is, at night I have a million things on my mind. I can start thinking about the sheep jumping the fence, but I will end up on something else by the time number 13 makes his running start.

Sometimes I feel alone. I mean, I'm in a world surrounded by people, but I just feel alone. Like no one really knows. When I try to talk to the one person that I figure would know, it's always an argument or she just doesn't get why I am the way I am. It's okay, I don't expect her to. I'm very complicated and it would be quite selfish of me to put that much pressure on someone to catch me when I fall. I mean, I have a problem with calling people. I feel inadequate. I don't like accepting things from people, especially things involving money. I don't get my hopes up for much. I'd rather sit alone with my own worries than bother someone out of their sleep. I mean, it's not like anyone will get it anyway.

You hear a lot of people talk about not being understood. It's a very common thought. If it's so common, why do we all not just seek to understand? It's simple. People are very selfish. You can't see past your own small world to realize that other things are going on around you. I'm guilty of this myself. I'm not calling the kettle black, I'm simply realizing that I'm black too. The difference is, I do indeed seek to understand before I seek to be understood. I want to know the worries of the world and how can I learn from them in my own situations before I want the world to know my own worries. It's just the type of person I am.

Are any of you well prepared for your future? All of my life I've been preparing myself for my future. I've never sat down and thought about today. I've been working for so many years to put together this amazing life for myself in the long run, but now it all seems like such a fairytale. You all can tell me about how talented I am. You can sit here and say "when you get famous" every day of my life. The problem is that it's all a fairytale. You know, a complex pipe dream?

Why is it when Jay's in a bad mood or not in the highest of spirits, my so called 'friends' are so quick to tell me to get back at them when I'm 'feeling better'. I mean, this is the second time I heard this today. Fucked up thing? It's from the two people I would least expect to hear it from. No one ever wants to sit down and talk to me about something. I mean, they say they are, but they're so quick to run away from it. My ex-'bestfriend' and my 'first lady'? Really? I would never expect any of you to just leave me when you see that I'm not in a great mood. People want to feel needed, lol. Whatever.

On a lighter note, I've just been informed that my mixtape made it to DatPiff.com! That's big, yo. Now I'm on a slightly bigger stage of exposure. I don't want to be a cynic, but I don't think it'll do much. I mean, I hope it does though. All I need is the right ear to hear me. You know? If you haven't downloaded the mixtape make sure you click here and do that! Thanks.

Eh, I'm done.