Another night, sitting here...

This is really getting old to me. I have nothing to do and no one to really talk to. Like, seriously. I really need some night pals. No one is ever around anymore. That old married couple thing is really playing back in my mind. I'm getting upset at things I necessarily shouldn't. Eh, I guess I just expected a little more than I should.

You know, I've never been in a relationship where we had any type of night talk. That's all I really want. I hear about Kash and Bryant talking all night and loving every moment of it. That kind of makes me jealous, really. Never in my whole life have I had that. I guess it's selfish of me to want it. I mean, during the day people lead their separate lives and trying to talk to them is hard. You know? Work, school, whatever. I don't like sharing, I really don't. I have to try to talk to someone while they can fit me in while juggling everything else. The night time is always the best time. It's just you and that person. Then there is nothing. I've never had that. I just want to know how it feels to be able to talk to someone until the sun comes up and laugh all night. I'm tired of sitting here quiet. There is no growth in that. There is nothing. I feel like nothing. All I've ever wanted was that feeling. I'm jealous of Jeanri and Drey because they can laugh about the most pointless things all night. If I could only have that once in a relationship, I'd cherish it forever. It's okay. If everything else is good, I can make a trade off, right?

I just feel incomplete. I don't know what a relationship is. Maybe what I want is too fairytale-ish. Maybe that's not how things really work. You speak in the day ever-so-often and at night, you come home say your goodnights and go to sleep. Is that all I have to look forward to? I don't want that. In all honesty, I can say I'd be fine with it - but I'm not. Maybe I need to start working another night job. That way I'll have someone at night to speak with. When I worked those nights I enjoyed being around people. I mean, I didn't like the people I worked with, but their presence was enough.

Now I feel completely stupid. I'm embarrassed. You know when you've been trying to tell something for so long and they just laugh in your face? That's kind of what just happened. I just poured my heart out about something that I've been completely afraid and shy about and she just went to sleep. Like, damn? That's how my feelings get played? At least an "okay, I hear you". I don't know, I'm disgusted now. I think I'm just going to hang up because my stomach is starting to hurt. It's going to take forever for me to even be able to tell her anything. Now I'm afraid she'll just sleep on me. I'm hanging up now, because I'm kind of frustrated to tears now.

I know this blog is all over the place and I'm sorry. I'm just a wreck right now. After that, I feel like I'm back to being shut out. My blog is my release. I have nothing to say to anyone anymore. That's a slap in my face and I can't believe my eyes are teared up over that. I mean Eric told me once:

eric.: i bet you if she's meant for you she'll make you cry.

Really, Eric? I guess. I mean, anyway, I just feel so selfish. I want her and her only. Like, during the day I have to share her with so much. I have to share her with the drivers on the road, share her with her classmates and professors, share her with her co-workers, share here with the people in the mall. I understand, it's her life, you know? She'd have to share me with... Well, nothing now, because I don't have much of a life at this moment. Anyway, at night, I'm not online nor am I working on music. At night, she's not in class, at work, driving, at the mall or anything. It's just us. You know? It's US. No one else. I don't have to worry about anything but us. I can't have it. I've never had it with anyone and I can't have it now. I'm starting to think it's me. I can't keep anyone interested. If you're falling asleep, that means my conversation isn't worthy enough to catch your interest enough to keep you awake. It's happened plenty of times. I think it's me, really.

I guess I'll go count the revolutions of blades on my ceiling fan.
Goodnight everyone.