138.

Sometimes talking to myself is the best cure...

As I get older, I find myself feeling more and more like my father. I worked so hard not to be like him, and it just seems like I'm him all over again. I don't fear much in life, but that's one of my greatest fears. It hurts me the most to know that all of my efforts go to waste. You know? It's like investing your life savings into something that flops.

I tend to find myself apologizing just like him. Like, once again - my fucking eyes are watering over this shit. I can't help but to hurt over this. My whole life, yo - really. I feel like I'm him all over again. As I type this I fight those same tears. I'm afraid to cry. I'm afraid to blink because if I blink, everything I've worked for is all over. You'll never understand. As much as you try, you'll never understand. See, my father would apologize to me and I just really wish he wouldn't. Why? Because I knew he'd end up doing it again. He apologized for not coming to see me, and I just knew the very next time we set up an appointment, he'd have a reason not to come. There is no reason to apologize to me, you'll do it again. I wonder is this how he felt? I wonder if he really tried, but it was just... hard?

I hate all of you. I hate that you affected me and turned me into the person I am today. I hate you for this. I really do want to care, but I just can't. I've cared for a lot of things in my life and each time I was let down. Now I can't care for anything. It's really affecting things going on in my life. I want to change it, and I'm trying - but now I just have the feeling that no one believes in me. Just like I didn't believe in my father. Now, I feel bad for treating him like I did. I'm trying to tell myself that I had a reason for it, but maybe all he needed was someone to be there for him. As I got older, I found out he didn't have parents who cared for him either. His mother shipped him across the country to live with his aunts and uncles and no one really wanted him. Maybe all he needed was someone to love him. I wish I could have been that person. I gave up on him, just like everyone else has done me. We're not that different, James Sr.

I'm really fighting this tear thing. It's been so long, I swear. I'm just afraid. I think it'll make me weak. It's 4AM, why can't I sleep like the rest of the world? I deserve so much better than this. I'm ashamed right now. I don't even want to go look in the mirror because I know my eyes are bloodshot. I'm afraid to open my mouth because I know my voice is going to crack. I'm really hurting right now. I feel like things could have been avoided in my life. I should have just given him another chance. If I would have, I just have a feeling he would of let me down again.

I don't want to be nonchalant, nor do I want to be selfish. It hurts me the most to know that I try and I don't succeed. Failure is my greatest fear. I still hear those lines that Ace said so clear. If you're not sure what I'm talking about, go download Rude Awakening and listen to "Walk Away".

I never stand a chance.
When it comes to love it's like a race in which I can't advance.
I'm either taking it too far or it's not enough.
And everybody fends for self and not for us.

I swear, it just seems like when I care - I care to damned much. Then when I care less, I don't care enough. I'm never just right for anything. It's always "too this" or "too that". I'm really tired of the same things over and over. It's not even with relationships or anything, it's with everything I go through. Every fucking thing.

I really need to get away. I don't know where, but I need to get away. I need my wings from God, soon. All I want to do is fly. All I want to do is soar. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm nervous about my life. I'm nervous about my move to Florida. I'm afraid, yo. I've never admit that, but I'm fucking afraid. I'm really going to be on my own. No type of family around me. If something goes wrong here, I can always call my mother or someone in my family. I don't know how I'm going to work full time and go to school full time. I'm so scared right now.

I think if I cried today, I'd cry my eyes dry. I hear when a real nigga cries it's real pain. I swear, this is such an excruciating pain. It's spilled past emotional and went to physical. Stress is real, yo. Don't let anyone tell you different. I wonder if you can die from stress. Hm? Maybe I should google it? That'd be a pretty bitch way to go out. I don't want to die, though. I just want my wings.

Dear God, make me a bird.