I figured I'd leave for a bit, but you know what? I'm going to sit here in my car and blog from my iPhone. Every time I feel like this, I go out and I get high, drunk, and do something that I'll regret in the morning. I won't let this drive me to doing that tonight. I've come too far to go back to that. I haven't smoked weed since November and I haven't done anything stupid since September. I won't let that break my down. I haven't smoked a black and mild in weeks. Maybe I should go kill my lungs.
So, I guess I'll blog.
I don't know why I blog anymore, really. I'm not an attention whore. I don't care if you read this or not. I guess it's my way of getting things off of my chest. I mean, don't get me wrong, I appreciate each and everyone of you who read this - but I'm not doing it for you, sorry. Sometimes I contemplate on making my blog private or not. Then I'd be in the same spot I was in last January. Speaking to myself and holding everything in to myself. So, maybe I do need the readers. It makes me feel like I'm alleviating myself somehow. I don't know.
If it's one thing that would have brought me to tears, it's what you just said. I felt that same tingle in my nose and that same heat rush to my face. I knew it was bound to happen, but I'll never let it make me cry. I don't understand how I let that affect me. You just hurt me deeper than anything I've felt in years. That bothers me. How could you affect me like this? And I feel that same feeling again whilst I type this paragraph. Maybe I should just stop. Like, seriously. That bothers the fuck out of me. I don't know why you'd say something like that to me. I guess I deserve it. That's cool.
I never reach for much because I have a fucked up thought in my head that I don't deserve anything. Why do you think I don't accept gifts? I feel like I don't deserve them. Why don't I accept help from someone? Because I don't deserve your help. Why do you think I shy away from love? I don't deserve your love. It's what I've been told all my life. I've developed a complex, I guess. Every time I get something good, it goes sour. I remember when I first got my other truck and it gets totaled while it sits on the street. You know what my family told me? I didn't deserve it anyway.
It's funny how low people expect of me. Call me weak spirited, but I start to believe them. I start to believe that I'm not worth much. I start to believe that I won't be shit. It's not hard to believe that people have that type of power over each other. Look at the slave situation. That's the same exact thing they did to millions of black people then. Told them that they weren't shit and couldn't be shit. You know what? They started to believe it.
I'm going to save this as a draft and go back inside.
Okay, I'm back.
You know this song? Bring Me Down. The song that's on my blog. That's my anthem. I promise you. Hater niggas marry hater bitches and have hater kids. The beat is so smooth and everything. I love Kanye's delivery on that song. I don't know why y'all sleep on dude. Like, come on. Every single he's had has been a fucking hit. His albums always have tons of singles too. Anyway, this blog isn't about him. It's about me.
I still shocked that I damned near let a tear go over that. I've been through too much to let that bother me. I guess my skin isn't as thick as I thought it was? Matter fact, that hit my heart. My heart has never been strong. I'm fucking upset about this, really. More so the fact that I damned near bitched up than what you said. I mean that still hurts, really. I guess it's just payback. I still would least expect that from you. Ugh. I don't even know what to say anymore. I thought I had the right answers for everything in life. I thought I had everything figured out. I don't. Maybe I'm in over my head.
I'm so tired of all of these maybes.
Bye.
So, I guess I'll blog.
I don't know why I blog anymore, really. I'm not an attention whore. I don't care if you read this or not. I guess it's my way of getting things off of my chest. I mean, don't get me wrong, I appreciate each and everyone of you who read this - but I'm not doing it for you, sorry. Sometimes I contemplate on making my blog private or not. Then I'd be in the same spot I was in last January. Speaking to myself and holding everything in to myself. So, maybe I do need the readers. It makes me feel like I'm alleviating myself somehow. I don't know.
If it's one thing that would have brought me to tears, it's what you just said. I felt that same tingle in my nose and that same heat rush to my face. I knew it was bound to happen, but I'll never let it make me cry. I don't understand how I let that affect me. You just hurt me deeper than anything I've felt in years. That bothers me. How could you affect me like this? And I feel that same feeling again whilst I type this paragraph. Maybe I should just stop. Like, seriously. That bothers the fuck out of me. I don't know why you'd say something like that to me. I guess I deserve it. That's cool.
I never reach for much because I have a fucked up thought in my head that I don't deserve anything. Why do you think I don't accept gifts? I feel like I don't deserve them. Why don't I accept help from someone? Because I don't deserve your help. Why do you think I shy away from love? I don't deserve your love. It's what I've been told all my life. I've developed a complex, I guess. Every time I get something good, it goes sour. I remember when I first got my other truck and it gets totaled while it sits on the street. You know what my family told me? I didn't deserve it anyway.
It's funny how low people expect of me. Call me weak spirited, but I start to believe them. I start to believe that I'm not worth much. I start to believe that I won't be shit. It's not hard to believe that people have that type of power over each other. Look at the slave situation. That's the same exact thing they did to millions of black people then. Told them that they weren't shit and couldn't be shit. You know what? They started to believe it.
I'm going to save this as a draft and go back inside.
Okay, I'm back.
You know this song? Bring Me Down. The song that's on my blog. That's my anthem. I promise you. Hater niggas marry hater bitches and have hater kids. The beat is so smooth and everything. I love Kanye's delivery on that song. I don't know why y'all sleep on dude. Like, come on. Every single he's had has been a fucking hit. His albums always have tons of singles too. Anyway, this blog isn't about him. It's about me.
I still shocked that I damned near let a tear go over that. I've been through too much to let that bother me. I guess my skin isn't as thick as I thought it was? Matter fact, that hit my heart. My heart has never been strong. I'm fucking upset about this, really. More so the fact that I damned near bitched up than what you said. I mean that still hurts, really. I guess it's just payback. I still would least expect that from you. Ugh. I don't even know what to say anymore. I thought I had the right answers for everything in life. I thought I had everything figured out. I don't. Maybe I'm in over my head.
I'm so tired of all of these maybes.
Bye.
3 comments:
First I'd like to commend you for not going back to getting high, drunk, or doing something you'd regret in the morning. It takes a lot to confront the ways that you usually handle situations and turn it around and get through it in a better manner.
I'm sorry for that person upsetting you. You blog because it is your way of getting things off your chest for all you know someone can be going through the same thing and you may not know it but for them to see someone understands how you feel, it comforts them. We are human and things trigger our emotions whether we want them to or not. I hope this situation gets better for you! Much love!
Jay, If I ever here you saying you won't be shit, and you don't deserve shit, I'm going to fuck you up.
Of course you're going to make something big for yourself. It gets harder before it gets easier. Don't let anyone take your stride away from you. Persistence & Determination is the key - you can do whatever you want to do, fuck everybody else who doesn't support you.
Real, fucking, talk.
thats good that u fightin not to get high or drunk bcuz usually when ppl turn to that .. they either runnin from the fight or runnin from the drama when in REAL LIFE u gotta fight it . not kill yourself to ignore it . so i commend you on that 1.
i think everybody blogs to get mad weight off they shoulders .. and allow people to give they opinions to get advice. thats why i blog - i mean positive advice from people HELPS! wheather u wanna beileve it or not when u read somethin postive it uplifts you..specially from certain ppl . ya know?
dont let "people" or "family" bring you down by them saying they expect all this from you - your a human being your not god .. you dont need to impress anybody or do anything big & bad to prove yourself to people that your great bcuz erry person does somethin great . look at your rapping as an example u got MAD MAD TALENT - and if people look down on that then they look down at themselves . like my mama told me . half the time when ppl bring down ur talents or who you are - they are jealous of you and i beileve that now with 120% . like real tlk fck what they say - DO JAY! not THE WORLD! ya know?
kanye - i use to not like him but now my ipod filled wit his songs . and i love this song w/my girl brandy . and like kanye says what dont kills you only makes u stronger -- remember that.
i hate those MAYBES too . dont think ur the only 1 having em yo.
2's.
Post a Comment