120.

I just want to really get away...

I need to vacate, like soon. Not getting away physically - but going into space and seeing the stars. You know, a feeling of nirvana? My walls are closing in on me. It's not like a man made wall, either. Some days I feel like I can't breathe. Not from my lungs, but from my spirit. I need to just cleanse myself of everything. I need that prayer to be answered. I need my wings.

I don't mean to sound all upset and emotional all the time, because that's not the case. I don't know. I don't even know what I want to say right now. I miss Jay. I haven't felt like this since late '06. Last time I acted on certain things. Not this time, though. Nah, not this time. I'm a little more strong willed this time around.

I just tried to make a list on what makes me smile. I can't think of more than two things. Both of those things are pretty much facades. I mean... Fuck it. I don't want to say that. That's none of your business. I don't even like saying it to myself. It makes me feel stupid and I hate that feeling. I just wish I - honestly, I don't even know what to wish for.

I don't know.

I mean, like I sit here and I listen to all of you tell me about how happy you are and that same shit. You know what? I don't care. Like, that's fine and dandy - but what does that do for me? I'm supposed to feel good for you? Fuck that, I can't even feel good for myself. Oh, this is new to you, yea? You're used to me being all silly and shit? That's cool, right? I only keep that up for you. I want you to see me happy. Lol, that makes you feel good.

"Stop testing me."

I can't help but to test everyone. I say things and I know exactly how a person is going to react or should react. It's just my way of seeing if - well, I don't know what I'm seeing. I think I do, but I don't know if it's right. Heh, it's the worst feeling in the world knowing something - but not knowing something. I know I'm not making sense. Everything sounds so much better in my head. I guess it's just my way of reassurance.

Somethings I'd like to tell you, but eh? I'd rather not. Somethings I'd love to share with you, but eh? I'd rather not. It's just somethings that I want to let you know about and some feelings that I want you to be apart of. I'd rather not. I really want to, but I just won't bring myself up to do it. I just can't do it. I'm positive no one knows who I'm talking to, that's fine. You don't even know that I'm talking to you. I want to you to see, though. I want you to know. I doubt you ever will.

I was long line away from the tetris.
You sent me the L, that sent me to hell.

Hm.

You don't want to feel? Neither do I.