If I poured my heart out to you would you think me strange?
I think you would. I feel some things that you will never know that I could feel. My heart is a work of confusion that suffers from a never ending puncture wound. It's quite a beautiful sight when you step outside of the chaos and view it from the eye of the storm. To watch everything get tossed around a shaken up in nothing more than each beat my heart makes, it's breath taking. Put your ear to my chest and tell me what you hear.
Beat 1: Uncertainty.
I'm so uncertain about things going on these days. My future is as vague as a sentence missing it's subject or predicate. I mean, it's not as simple as deciding what shoes I want to wear with what outfit, or what beat will go right with what song. My life seems like a rhetorical question. If I died in a forest with no one around, would I make an impact? Okay, sorry - that was depressing. I apologize.
Beat 2: Jealousy.
I'm not really a jealous person, but I yearn for what you have. Your life is perfect, mine is awkward. Maybe I'm being self conscious and only seeing what I want to see. Maybe I want to see your life better than mine so I can have a reason to complain about how much easier you have it than me. You have it all. You have the perfect love, the perfect vision, the perfect path. I can't help but to want it. I deserve it.
Beat 3: Unfulfilled.
Something is missing, and I'm not sure what it is. I don't even think I'll know what it is until it's come and gone. I'm one of those people who never really know what they have until it's there no more. I need to work on that, huh? These days I don't know what I want, but this isn't it. I'm losing touch with everything. It feels like I'm holding on to water. Lend me a cup?
Beat 4: Struggle.
"Life is a beautiful struggle" - Is it really? That only makes sense in retrospect. I don't see anything beautiful when it's going on. Remember, I said you have to step outside of the chaos. Even then, you're not involved and you're looking from a different point of view. There is beauty, but I just need a little help seeing it. Don't think me strange, but you made me think.
Beat 5: Memories.
I can't shake a lot of my past memories. I dwell on a lot of things that have happened and I linger on words that people speak. I'm very particular about what people have to say about me. Don't think that I don't take notice to everything you say. I'm not that much of an asshole. If you have something insightful to say about my character that I should change, I do try to change it. I don't know, though - it's just I'm the way I am because of what I've been through. A lot of it is natural personality, but those memories I have make me such an arduous person to get close to or get a hold of. Even after all of that, it's even harder to keep me.
Beat 6: You.
Shh, listen. Do you hear your name? I do too. I don't know why you're there though. See, I care for you even when I tell myself I shouldn't. It's kind of hard, you know? A lot of you people let me down and a lot of you people really hurt me, but you're still there. I don't know why I continue to deal with the same folks who've done me so wrong. I wish I didn't care for you like I did. I wish I didn't want to see you succeed. I want to want you to to fail. I want to want you to hurt. I just can't find it in myself to feel it.
I'm sorry. I know I said I'd finish this when I wake up.
I just couldn't lay down with it still on my mind.
Goodnight.
I think you would. I feel some things that you will never know that I could feel. My heart is a work of confusion that suffers from a never ending puncture wound. It's quite a beautiful sight when you step outside of the chaos and view it from the eye of the storm. To watch everything get tossed around a shaken up in nothing more than each beat my heart makes, it's breath taking. Put your ear to my chest and tell me what you hear.
Beat 1: Uncertainty.
I'm so uncertain about things going on these days. My future is as vague as a sentence missing it's subject or predicate. I mean, it's not as simple as deciding what shoes I want to wear with what outfit, or what beat will go right with what song. My life seems like a rhetorical question. If I died in a forest with no one around, would I make an impact? Okay, sorry - that was depressing. I apologize.
Beat 2: Jealousy.
I'm not really a jealous person, but I yearn for what you have. Your life is perfect, mine is awkward. Maybe I'm being self conscious and only seeing what I want to see. Maybe I want to see your life better than mine so I can have a reason to complain about how much easier you have it than me. You have it all. You have the perfect love, the perfect vision, the perfect path. I can't help but to want it. I deserve it.
Beat 3: Unfulfilled.
Something is missing, and I'm not sure what it is. I don't even think I'll know what it is until it's come and gone. I'm one of those people who never really know what they have until it's there no more. I need to work on that, huh? These days I don't know what I want, but this isn't it. I'm losing touch with everything. It feels like I'm holding on to water. Lend me a cup?
Beat 4: Struggle.
"Life is a beautiful struggle" - Is it really? That only makes sense in retrospect. I don't see anything beautiful when it's going on. Remember, I said you have to step outside of the chaos. Even then, you're not involved and you're looking from a different point of view. There is beauty, but I just need a little help seeing it. Don't think me strange, but you made me think.
Beat 5: Memories.
I can't shake a lot of my past memories. I dwell on a lot of things that have happened and I linger on words that people speak. I'm very particular about what people have to say about me. Don't think that I don't take notice to everything you say. I'm not that much of an asshole. If you have something insightful to say about my character that I should change, I do try to change it. I don't know, though - it's just I'm the way I am because of what I've been through. A lot of it is natural personality, but those memories I have make me such an arduous person to get close to or get a hold of. Even after all of that, it's even harder to keep me.
Beat 6: You.
Shh, listen. Do you hear your name? I do too. I don't know why you're there though. See, I care for you even when I tell myself I shouldn't. It's kind of hard, you know? A lot of you people let me down and a lot of you people really hurt me, but you're still there. I don't know why I continue to deal with the same folks who've done me so wrong. I wish I didn't care for you like I did. I wish I didn't want to see you succeed. I want to want you to to fail. I want to want you to hurt. I just can't find it in myself to feel it.
I'm sorry. I know I said I'd finish this when I wake up.
I just couldn't lay down with it still on my mind.
Goodnight.
1 comment:
i wanted to comment, but i don't know what to say.
definitely too close to home...
you know where i feel you.
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