Sometimes I want to stop smoking these blacks, but other days I just feel like I need them. If you don't smoke, don't tell me what to do. I mean, we control our lives - why not be able to pick my death? My death of choice is cancer. I mean, yea, I'll stop smoking. It's just, when you go through so much you just have to let it all go.
Smoke this black and mild with me. You know? You don't have to hit it, just sit here with me. I promise I won't blow the smoke in your direction. Sometimes I just need someone to be here with me. It feels like the walls in my home are getting smaller and smaller. I know, it sounds weird - but it's just like my options are getting smaller. You got a light for me? Hold up, let me spark this black.
Inhale - Puff 1.
If I told you I missed my father, would you think me strange? I mean, I'm sure you don't know my history with dude - but like, I miss what I never had with him. I miss playing basketball with him. I mean, I never really had much of that, but I miss it. I miss talking about girls with him even though we never did that. I miss going on fishing trips and working on cars with him. You know? I mean, we never did those things. I miss it though. How is it possible to miss those things? Explain this to me, please.
Exhale.
Inhale - Puff 2.
I want so much more. Like, I'm okay with my life now. I want more. I need more. I looked around while I was driving yesterday and it just hit me. "Is this what I want for my life?" - I mean, I saw older people sitting outside on their porches with nothing. I don't want that. Yesterday was so reflective for me. So, I got drunk and really forgot about a lot of things going on. I mean, damn - I smile, but ask yourself if you really know Jay. Any of you. Those who are my "friends". Just really ask yourself if you know me...
Exhale.
Inhale - Puff 3.
Really, listen to the song on my blog. That's how I feel. Some days I really don't want to be bothered. Most of these recent days I don't want to be bothered by anyone. I don't want to speak to anyone and I damned sure don't want to see anyone. I just want to sit in the house and bask in my own sorrow and depression. Then, I don't want to be weak - so I get up and go out. I claim to be so real, but I live in a facade. You see me out and you think I'm good, but I'm not. I can laugh with you and all. You know what my favorite response to everything is? "Nothing." - It answers every question I'm asked. "What's wrong, Jay?" - Nothing. "What's on your mind?" - Nothing. The list goes on.
Exhale.
Inhale - Puff 4.
You've ever though about suicide? I mean, no I'm not suicidal now - but really. Have you thought about it? You don't have to answer my question to me, answer it to yourself. Life is a precious gift to us, so why take it away? There was a point in my life when living was a lot harder than dying. I'm glad I never succeeded in dying.
Exhale.
Inhale - Puff 5.
I'm ready to move on with my life. I feel like I've been in a stagnant area. I mean, really I take two steps forward and two steps back, two steps forward, two steps back. I'm really not going anywhere. I'm trying though. I swear, I am. It's just, eh? I don't know - shit happens?
Exhale.
-puts the black and mild out.
Do I really need these things or have I forced myself into believing a false security. I mean, you haven't given me any security. I don't see fit in holding on to you when I'm feeling bad. Now tell me, why shouldn't I smoke my black and embrace my cancer? The thing is, my friends and I joke around about me being "bi-polar", but I'm absolutely uni-polar. You just see what I allow you to see. You look at me and I want you to see me laughing. I want you to see me happy. I don't need you to worry about me. Don't feel bad for me. My world is of my own construction. I allowed certain things to get to me.
Sorry for the sad blog. Eh, you shouldn't have agreed to smoke with me. This is usually what goes on in my mind when I place the plastic in between my lips and inhale the reflective vapors of the black and mild. I appreciate your company, though. We should do this again sometime. Next time you tell me whats on your mind, yea?
Sometimes the truth can hurt you.
So I blow my black and mild smoke after truth commercials.
So I blow my black and mild smoke after truth commercials.
Smoke this black and mild with me. You know? You don't have to hit it, just sit here with me. I promise I won't blow the smoke in your direction. Sometimes I just need someone to be here with me. It feels like the walls in my home are getting smaller and smaller. I know, it sounds weird - but it's just like my options are getting smaller. You got a light for me? Hold up, let me spark this black.
Inhale - Puff 1.
If I told you I missed my father, would you think me strange? I mean, I'm sure you don't know my history with dude - but like, I miss what I never had with him. I miss playing basketball with him. I mean, I never really had much of that, but I miss it. I miss talking about girls with him even though we never did that. I miss going on fishing trips and working on cars with him. You know? I mean, we never did those things. I miss it though. How is it possible to miss those things? Explain this to me, please.
Exhale.
Inhale - Puff 2.
I want so much more. Like, I'm okay with my life now. I want more. I need more. I looked around while I was driving yesterday and it just hit me. "Is this what I want for my life?" - I mean, I saw older people sitting outside on their porches with nothing. I don't want that. Yesterday was so reflective for me. So, I got drunk and really forgot about a lot of things going on. I mean, damn - I smile, but ask yourself if you really know Jay. Any of you. Those who are my "friends". Just really ask yourself if you know me...
Exhale.
Inhale - Puff 3.
Really, listen to the song on my blog. That's how I feel. Some days I really don't want to be bothered. Most of these recent days I don't want to be bothered by anyone. I don't want to speak to anyone and I damned sure don't want to see anyone. I just want to sit in the house and bask in my own sorrow and depression. Then, I don't want to be weak - so I get up and go out. I claim to be so real, but I live in a facade. You see me out and you think I'm good, but I'm not. I can laugh with you and all. You know what my favorite response to everything is? "Nothing." - It answers every question I'm asked. "What's wrong, Jay?" - Nothing. "What's on your mind?" - Nothing. The list goes on.
Exhale.
Inhale - Puff 4.
You've ever though about suicide? I mean, no I'm not suicidal now - but really. Have you thought about it? You don't have to answer my question to me, answer it to yourself. Life is a precious gift to us, so why take it away? There was a point in my life when living was a lot harder than dying. I'm glad I never succeeded in dying.
Exhale.
Inhale - Puff 5.
I'm ready to move on with my life. I feel like I've been in a stagnant area. I mean, really I take two steps forward and two steps back, two steps forward, two steps back. I'm really not going anywhere. I'm trying though. I swear, I am. It's just, eh? I don't know - shit happens?
Exhale.
-puts the black and mild out.
Do I really need these things or have I forced myself into believing a false security. I mean, you haven't given me any security. I don't see fit in holding on to you when I'm feeling bad. Now tell me, why shouldn't I smoke my black and embrace my cancer? The thing is, my friends and I joke around about me being "bi-polar", but I'm absolutely uni-polar. You just see what I allow you to see. You look at me and I want you to see me laughing. I want you to see me happy. I don't need you to worry about me. Don't feel bad for me. My world is of my own construction. I allowed certain things to get to me.
Sorry for the sad blog. Eh, you shouldn't have agreed to smoke with me. This is usually what goes on in my mind when I place the plastic in between my lips and inhale the reflective vapors of the black and mild. I appreciate your company, though. We should do this again sometime. Next time you tell me whats on your mind, yea?
1 comment:
Does anyone know anyone? Really?
We hide ourselves in these blogs and continue on in this social banter of "realism" and make believe.
It's alright to miss your pops meng, but see it as, your moms taking on his role to be the woMAN in your life.
Heh, atleast.. that's how I see it. -signed, the bastard child.
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