Ventilation? - Eh, this is going to be a long ass blog, dude. I suggest that if you're not up for the read, just dip off now. I'm so irritated right now, and I don't even know why. I woke up with the illest headache ever. Shit just really ain't goin' my way these days. My birthday is coming up in the next few days. Is it normal not to want to get older? I just sit back and wish I had the childhood that I could have had. I guess I wasted my life trying to be a dope boy. Yah'meen, I've never been to a high school dance. Those nights I was out running the streets. Eh, I didn't go to my Prom because I was running the streets. Fucked up part, I was nominated for Prom King. I didn't want that shallow ass title, but it would have been nice to be there. I don't want to get older. I'm worried that my life will be pointless and quite vague. I don't want to be piled up with bills and in an unhappy relationship. I have a feeling I'm going to do something to push shorty away, yo. I can't help it. Whenever I start getting close to someone, I just ehh - I can't explain it. I don't want to waste her time, I really don't. Like, of course I want to be with her and I can see myself being with her for a long minute - but I always fuck up shit some way or another. Y'all remember this poem?
It's You
By: Jay Adams
It's been a few years - we've both grown old;
I asked her what happened with us she said "hot love dies cold".
Turned my eyes to the next - shit didn't know what to expect;
She was hella confused - I didn't know what to make of the mess.
Figured I'd ask another ex - but she dipped off without saying goodbye.
Then turned to my other - she couldn't tell the truth, go figure - she's based off lies.
So I turned to another chick - but I ain't know what to ask because it all depends;
I ain't know if she was feelin' me like that or if we were just friends.
Couldn't help but to think about that one shorty- so I called up and asked;
"What happ..." but she hung up in the middle and never again called me back.
Damn I had this one chick- nice shape, thick hips, and big tits;
But she was all about my sex appeal - you know, height, voice, and soft lips.
Nevermind- no need to trip - I got this one shorty that will tell me the truth.
I asked her what happened and she replied "Jay, it's not me - it's you."
Like, eh? I always fuck shit up. I can't help it. I'm used to vague and unpromising relationships. I guess no one really takes the time out to stick through it. I mean, she say she does and I trust her, but. Man, fuck it. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I guess I'll move on now. You know what I realize? People don't get at me to see how I'm doing. Niggas get at me because they feel like I can help them with something. I don't get phone calls on some "Jay, how are you doing? I just wanted to see if you were alright." Nah, niggas call me on some "Nigga, call me back! It's important. I need you for something." Like, damn? People really could give two fucks about me. That's pretty much why I don't pick up my phone anymore. Some days I don't want to be bothered, some days I just miss my father. Eh, real talk. He's been calling me daily, but I don't know if I can stomach to pick up the phone. I sit there and watch his name flash across the caller ID on my phone - but I can't gather up enough to pick up the phone call. I swear, if I had one person I say I looked up to, it was him. That's the biggest let down in my life. I want to pick up my phone and I want to talk to him - but I can't afford to go through that same shit over and over again. Every time we talk it's a new promise and I believe it. Then it's broken, and I'm sitting there lookin' like a dumb ass. That shit is not what's poppin' on the streets, ya'kno? A nigga makes a fool of me and I go back to him like shit ain't happen? Nah, dude. I can't deal with that.
March 5th, 1989 at 3:43PM, I was birthed into this fucked up world. I'll be 19 next Wednesday. Those who call themselves friends don't even know it. Those who I would give my last dollar won't call to wish me a happy birthday. Those very people who I've been through it all with won't remember that it's even the 5th that day. The past 5 birthdays or so have been bullshit. People don't bother to call me. I mean, it's not like I'm bent on people acknowledging my birthday, but just to know that someone remembers me on my day is good. Last year I called my cousin and my aunt picked up the phone. I'm like "Hey, whats up Auntie. Is Arick there?" - So she's like "Nah, he went out... I'll tell him you called though." - "Alright." - "[click]". Like, eh? Not even a happy birthday? Is it my fault for even expecting it? I don't expect much in my life. I don't ask for gifts. I don't even like gifts. Anytime I want something I never get it, so I don't hype myself up to expect it. A happy birthday is cool, that's all I ask. Just to know I'm remembered. Those who are reading right now, don't tell me happy birthday because you feel bad or feel obligated. I don't need your pity, really. Don't tell me happy birthday if you didn't remember. When I said "9 days" and you didn't know what for, don't get at me telling me happy birthday now. If I said "March 5th" to you and you didn't know, don't come to me all like you been knew my birthday and you were counting down for it. I don't even care, really. It's cool, I'm not buggin'. I don't expect shit. Eh, I just wish I didn't have to get older. I don't want to take my first step out and fuck up. I don't want to start off good and end off bad. I toughed on it earlier in this blog. I really don't want to be all happy and then my life comes to a halt. I don't deal well with let downs. I really don't. But fuck it, moving on. I guess I'll write something to the people in my life right now.
Juelz - Baby, no need in hiding it anymore. Eh, we didn't do such a good job anyway because everyone knows. The only thing that sucks about living in a relationship that everyone knows or sees is that everyone has an opinion. During this relationship, you'll hear things about me and you'll get a lot of "secure sources" who tell you this and that about me. I ask you, if you hear anything about me - come to me. Also, being a lyricist - I do a lot of style of music. In some of my songs you'll probably hear me say "Don't wife a bitch" - "Never love a female" - "Relationships are nothing". Don't trip off that type of stuff, it's just music and entertainment. You know exactly how I feel about you, and if I'm not doing a good job in making that clear I'll take the time to explain it to you. Not in this blog though, that's between you and I. Just give me your word that you'll give me your all. I know it'll be hard, but yo - I need this to work. It sounds selfish, I'm sorry.
Jarell - Nigga, where do I start with you? As a friend, you're more than enough. The realest nigga I've had the opportunity of meeting. We joke around a lot, but I know for sure that if I needed you for something - you'll be there. I know niggas aren't loyal these days, but if I got it and you need it, I got you. Bitches have done both of us shady, but we keep truckin' forward. Yah'meen, don't let another female tell you how to run your life and your relationship. If you feel good with shorty, that's up to you. If a nigga has something to say, fuck him too. You know what we talked about earlier with niggas being on that female shit. Honestly, fuck them too. You're 100, my nigga.
Jeanri - Heh, damn. We have history, but I don't believe our history is anything real. I don't think you cared like you try to make it seem. I'm sorry, I just don't. We talked about all of this. For some reason, I don't think you're sincere. I will say that as a friend, you're amazing. I couldn't ask for anything more than what you give me. I remember the night you sat there and told me your life in a nutshell. We really bonded there. It clarified up a few things for me as well. It's not your fault that I don't trust you with certain things. Given what happened with you, you have the right to be exactly who you are. You're a great person, so when you can find closure over everything, some dude is going to be extremely lucky.
Kris - It's been a minute, huh? You're one of the two people that I've never had an argument with; the other is Jarell. You've been there with me and rockin' by my side through a lot of bullshit. Your opinion is extremely valued in my life. When you speak, I listen. Why? Because I know you'll never lead me into anything that isn't good for me. I've poured my heart out about shit to you and you haven't judged me. Anytime that I feel like that I need to pick up and leave everything, I always bring you along with me. Out of every female that I've had the pleasure(or displeasure) in meeting, you're one of my favorite. I enjoy your company. Whenever we talk, you keep the mood extremely comfortable. I feel like I can tell you anything, and that's real life. I'd trust you with my last dollar.
London - Eh, sweetheart, you're amazing. I swear, you're about the fliest person I know. I can't get enough of talking to you. You're extremely talented with a genuinely good heart. I want to see the best from you in the future. You deserve every good thing that comes your way. You've stood above and beyond your role as a friend. You're always there when I need you. If I need to laugh, you're the first person I talk to. Lol, DJ Clue Echo!? Man, classic right? I'm glad I have you in my life and I wouldn't trade you for anything. Well, uhm - give me a hot dog, a 2 liter soda, and some chocolate and I might have to holler at you later, bew! Lol, I'm playing.
It's a lot of things in my life that I haven't gotten over. I was watching The Wire and Bubs said some real shit. "It's nothing wrong with holding on to grief, just as long as you make room for other things." - I don't really want to hold on to grief though. I wish I could just move on from all of this shit and do me. Joe Budden said some real shit.
Certain niggas bettin' I fall.
I'm joggin' through the quick sand, I'm jugglin' three medicine balls.
That's real life right there. I feel like niggas cashin' their bets out waiting on me to fall and crack. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders right now. I'm running through it all as calmly as I can. But, you know what? Reading peoples blogs, I realize we all go through some of the similar things. Why is that? Why not help each other? It's because people are extremely selfish. I can't sit there and tell you what I'm telling my blog - because you won't genuinely listen. It's a take world. People would rather receive a dollar than give a dollar. I guess I'm the dumb nigga who sees joy in giving. That's why I always get took, huh? I guess. Eh, why do people start to care when you say something? Like - when I was going through all of this shit, you didn't give two fucks. Now I'm like "Oh, I'm hurt" - you suddenly care? Get the fuck out, really. You know what, fuck it... I'll leave here. I might be back a little later.
ACCEPTYOURSHORTCOMINGSTHEYGONEMAKEYOUWHOLE.
Outro.
It's You
By: Jay Adams
It's been a few years - we've both grown old;
I asked her what happened with us she said "hot love dies cold".
Turned my eyes to the next - shit didn't know what to expect;
She was hella confused - I didn't know what to make of the mess.
Figured I'd ask another ex - but she dipped off without saying goodbye.
Then turned to my other - she couldn't tell the truth, go figure - she's based off lies.
So I turned to another chick - but I ain't know what to ask because it all depends;
I ain't know if she was feelin' me like that or if we were just friends.
Couldn't help but to think about that one shorty- so I called up and asked;
"What happ..." but she hung up in the middle and never again called me back.
Damn I had this one chick- nice shape, thick hips, and big tits;
But she was all about my sex appeal - you know, height, voice, and soft lips.
Nevermind- no need to trip - I got this one shorty that will tell me the truth.
I asked her what happened and she replied "Jay, it's not me - it's you."
Like, eh? I always fuck shit up. I can't help it. I'm used to vague and unpromising relationships. I guess no one really takes the time out to stick through it. I mean, she say she does and I trust her, but. Man, fuck it. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I guess I'll move on now. You know what I realize? People don't get at me to see how I'm doing. Niggas get at me because they feel like I can help them with something. I don't get phone calls on some "Jay, how are you doing? I just wanted to see if you were alright." Nah, niggas call me on some "Nigga, call me back! It's important. I need you for something." Like, damn? People really could give two fucks about me. That's pretty much why I don't pick up my phone anymore. Some days I don't want to be bothered, some days I just miss my father. Eh, real talk. He's been calling me daily, but I don't know if I can stomach to pick up the phone. I sit there and watch his name flash across the caller ID on my phone - but I can't gather up enough to pick up the phone call. I swear, if I had one person I say I looked up to, it was him. That's the biggest let down in my life. I want to pick up my phone and I want to talk to him - but I can't afford to go through that same shit over and over again. Every time we talk it's a new promise and I believe it. Then it's broken, and I'm sitting there lookin' like a dumb ass. That shit is not what's poppin' on the streets, ya'kno? A nigga makes a fool of me and I go back to him like shit ain't happen? Nah, dude. I can't deal with that.
March 5th, 1989 at 3:43PM, I was birthed into this fucked up world. I'll be 19 next Wednesday. Those who call themselves friends don't even know it. Those who I would give my last dollar won't call to wish me a happy birthday. Those very people who I've been through it all with won't remember that it's even the 5th that day. The past 5 birthdays or so have been bullshit. People don't bother to call me. I mean, it's not like I'm bent on people acknowledging my birthday, but just to know that someone remembers me on my day is good. Last year I called my cousin and my aunt picked up the phone. I'm like "Hey, whats up Auntie. Is Arick there?" - So she's like "Nah, he went out... I'll tell him you called though." - "Alright." - "[click]". Like, eh? Not even a happy birthday? Is it my fault for even expecting it? I don't expect much in my life. I don't ask for gifts. I don't even like gifts. Anytime I want something I never get it, so I don't hype myself up to expect it. A happy birthday is cool, that's all I ask. Just to know I'm remembered. Those who are reading right now, don't tell me happy birthday because you feel bad or feel obligated. I don't need your pity, really. Don't tell me happy birthday if you didn't remember. When I said "9 days" and you didn't know what for, don't get at me telling me happy birthday now. If I said "March 5th" to you and you didn't know, don't come to me all like you been knew my birthday and you were counting down for it. I don't even care, really. It's cool, I'm not buggin'. I don't expect shit. Eh, I just wish I didn't have to get older. I don't want to take my first step out and fuck up. I don't want to start off good and end off bad. I toughed on it earlier in this blog. I really don't want to be all happy and then my life comes to a halt. I don't deal well with let downs. I really don't. But fuck it, moving on. I guess I'll write something to the people in my life right now.
Juelz - Baby, no need in hiding it anymore. Eh, we didn't do such a good job anyway because everyone knows. The only thing that sucks about living in a relationship that everyone knows or sees is that everyone has an opinion. During this relationship, you'll hear things about me and you'll get a lot of "secure sources" who tell you this and that about me. I ask you, if you hear anything about me - come to me. Also, being a lyricist - I do a lot of style of music. In some of my songs you'll probably hear me say "Don't wife a bitch" - "Never love a female" - "Relationships are nothing". Don't trip off that type of stuff, it's just music and entertainment. You know exactly how I feel about you, and if I'm not doing a good job in making that clear I'll take the time to explain it to you. Not in this blog though, that's between you and I. Just give me your word that you'll give me your all. I know it'll be hard, but yo - I need this to work. It sounds selfish, I'm sorry.
Jarell - Nigga, where do I start with you? As a friend, you're more than enough. The realest nigga I've had the opportunity of meeting. We joke around a lot, but I know for sure that if I needed you for something - you'll be there. I know niggas aren't loyal these days, but if I got it and you need it, I got you. Bitches have done both of us shady, but we keep truckin' forward. Yah'meen, don't let another female tell you how to run your life and your relationship. If you feel good with shorty, that's up to you. If a nigga has something to say, fuck him too. You know what we talked about earlier with niggas being on that female shit. Honestly, fuck them too. You're 100, my nigga.
Jeanri - Heh, damn. We have history, but I don't believe our history is anything real. I don't think you cared like you try to make it seem. I'm sorry, I just don't. We talked about all of this. For some reason, I don't think you're sincere. I will say that as a friend, you're amazing. I couldn't ask for anything more than what you give me. I remember the night you sat there and told me your life in a nutshell. We really bonded there. It clarified up a few things for me as well. It's not your fault that I don't trust you with certain things. Given what happened with you, you have the right to be exactly who you are. You're a great person, so when you can find closure over everything, some dude is going to be extremely lucky.
Kris - It's been a minute, huh? You're one of the two people that I've never had an argument with; the other is Jarell. You've been there with me and rockin' by my side through a lot of bullshit. Your opinion is extremely valued in my life. When you speak, I listen. Why? Because I know you'll never lead me into anything that isn't good for me. I've poured my heart out about shit to you and you haven't judged me. Anytime that I feel like that I need to pick up and leave everything, I always bring you along with me. Out of every female that I've had the pleasure(or displeasure) in meeting, you're one of my favorite. I enjoy your company. Whenever we talk, you keep the mood extremely comfortable. I feel like I can tell you anything, and that's real life. I'd trust you with my last dollar.
London - Eh, sweetheart, you're amazing. I swear, you're about the fliest person I know. I can't get enough of talking to you. You're extremely talented with a genuinely good heart. I want to see the best from you in the future. You deserve every good thing that comes your way. You've stood above and beyond your role as a friend. You're always there when I need you. If I need to laugh, you're the first person I talk to. Lol, DJ Clue Echo!? Man, classic right? I'm glad I have you in my life and I wouldn't trade you for anything. Well, uhm - give me a hot dog, a 2 liter soda, and some chocolate and I might have to holler at you later, bew! Lol, I'm playing.
It's a lot of things in my life that I haven't gotten over. I was watching The Wire and Bubs said some real shit. "It's nothing wrong with holding on to grief, just as long as you make room for other things." - I don't really want to hold on to grief though. I wish I could just move on from all of this shit and do me. Joe Budden said some real shit.
Certain niggas bettin' I fall.
I'm joggin' through the quick sand, I'm jugglin' three medicine balls.
That's real life right there. I feel like niggas cashin' their bets out waiting on me to fall and crack. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders right now. I'm running through it all as calmly as I can. But, you know what? Reading peoples blogs, I realize we all go through some of the similar things. Why is that? Why not help each other? It's because people are extremely selfish. I can't sit there and tell you what I'm telling my blog - because you won't genuinely listen. It's a take world. People would rather receive a dollar than give a dollar. I guess I'm the dumb nigga who sees joy in giving. That's why I always get took, huh? I guess. Eh, why do people start to care when you say something? Like - when I was going through all of this shit, you didn't give two fucks. Now I'm like "Oh, I'm hurt" - you suddenly care? Get the fuck out, really. You know what, fuck it... I'll leave here. I might be back a little later.
ACCEPTYOURSHORTCOMINGSTHEYGONEMAKEYOUWHOLE.
Outro.
8 comments:
i could say some cliche shit ... like everything is gonna work out.
but this is life.
what's good ... nah, great ... is that you're able to take it for what it is, and seemingly make the best out of what you have.
and that, is the definition of a man.
Word, that's real life.
You know, I've always had problems with coming to my "manhood". Like, since my pops skipped out, I've had to learn everything on my own. I don't know if I'm doing a good job. Like, my moms can only teach me so much. That's a BIG concern in my life.
my pops was there ... but never THERE. so my mom is my influence too.
i just learn from all the people who aren't doing a good job, learn from their mistakes.
shit, that's what inspires me to be the best boyfriend, husband, dad all of that ... to be what my father never truly was for me.
Makes sense.
I've been trying that, but it's truly easier said than done.
Baby, you got me.
Wow, dude your blogs are priceless. My mom always tells me that even though its kinda messed up, you can't expect much from a lot of people in this world. Fucked up right? Even our family.. Yea - but you know the people who are the closest to you will always have your back, and thats pretty much all thats important.. or something like that :) And stop being afraid to fuck up, shit, it's going to happen eventually. It's a part of life. Just learn from it and.. yea, you know the rest. Mmkay, I'm done.
Jay Adams ... I used to know you from somewhere, lmao :\ I don't knowww.
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