Eight.

So, what's it been; four days or so? Well, shit nothing much has really happened. It's been basically the same thing. My weekend was a long weekend, real talk. I worked 17 hours on Saturday and then an additional 14 hours on Sunday. Like, son I was hella tired. I'm happy to have these two days off. Shit was hella crucial and my body aches on something terrible. I have some serious shit to talk about, so if you're not interested in reading - you do have the option to politely click the X in your upper left corner, or right if you're on a mac. Before I get into that, I'd like to say I updated my playlist and whatnot. This is the official American Gangster 1.5 layout. Nothing much of a change except my top image and a few minor, unnoticeable color changes. Okay, so yea - let's get down to business. Today I woke up and I was so sick, like really sick. I had been sick since Saturday. Saturday I threw up at work 3 times, but that's beside the point. I chilled for most of the day and my ex called me. Ehh, I'd rather not revisit that time in my life. She was a good girlfriend, but she had some major flaws that really depressed me throughout the relationship. Also, it seemed like our relationship was based on a million and a half lies. No one is perfect, but that shit was just outrages, ya'know? Well, anyway - she called me and we talked for a minute. Nothing really special, but it was nice to know she's still breathing and doing well. Hopefully she found someone that could do for her what I couldn't and be honest with him from the beginning. After I talked to her I went to the studio. We didn't really do much. I wrote two verses and went home. One the ride home, I had a lot of thinking to do. I've been fucked over in just about every relationship I've ever been in. I had one that I figured I didn't get fucked over in, but I had to really think about it. She broke up with me because she was liking someone else during our relationship and then ended up getting with him about two days after she dumped me. Yah'meen, this whole time I was quite oblivious to the thought that she could even look at another dude and have any type of connection because of what I thought we had. So, she was telling me she loved me while at the same timing losing that love and passing it on to someone else. Thinking about that really did bother me to the fullest extent possible, so I just moved on from the thought. I guess I can't blame her, maybe I was slipping. Then before that relationship, me and oh girl just suddenly stopped talking. I really felt for her too, but she just got too busy for me. I guess I didn't get fucked over, her schedule just got hectic and she couldn't do it anymore. Instead of telling me, she just went weeks without speaking to me. We never officially broke up, it was just evident that it was over. The relationship before that, oh girl cheated on me something horrible. Now my most recent, man - I needed that one to work. She told me she needed this to work too. I fucking felt needed for the first time in a long time. I figured I'd be with her for a while. We took things as slow as our feelings would allow. Everything was pretty much good, then she stood me something up on something so terrible. Now, history repeats itself; again it happens with someone else, we just stopped talking and it was evident it was over. Damn, the fuck am I doing? Eh, I had hope in a lot of relationship shit - but it's not for me. I'm tired of getting my little feelings hurt. Yah'meen, I kinda like someone, but that shit will never work. Like, peoples opinions really don't matter to me, but this time opinions are everything. My closest friends wouldn't allow it. I'm a grown ass man, but their little comments would eventually bother the fuck out of me. I believe two of them like or liked her at some time too. I don't want to have to make a decision between her and my people. So instead of telling her how I feel, I just shut the fuck up about it and hope it dies over. It's not even worth it, no matter how much her and I have in common and all that good shit. Low-key, I don't even think she likes me, that's cool - I'm not asking her to. Why would I like someone and not even care if they like me back? Because I'd rather not even get my hopes up thinking that something could possibly ever happen, you know? Okay, hypothetically speaking in a perfect world, something did happen - would we have to keep it a secret? Right now, everybody and their momma seems to be in our business. If we started talking in this hypothetic perfect world, we would be putting ourselves in a glass house for everyone to see and criticize. I can't stand people in my shit, for real though. Like, yea - I enjoy her company and everything, but that's as far as I'll allow it to go. I been really thinking about this shit man. Like I think about every female that told me they liked me that I didn't care to pursue. It's been a while since I had a real connection with a person. Like since I knew everything would be alright. Even with my previous relationship, I always had a fear that it wouldn't work just because I wanted it to work so bad. I should have just listened to my fears. Damn, this shit is hella stressful. I indeed do want someone, like seriously who doesn't? I can tell you that a girlfriend isn't in my interests right now, but you should know I'm lying. Man, like coming home after those long days at work - I just wanted someone I could talk to, someone that's mine. Like I talk to Courtnee damned near every night - but she isn't mine. She's cool to have around, but she's not MINE. I hope that makes sense, because I can't make sense of much right now. This relationship shit ain't for me. It's like I don't even have groupies anymore! That's shit is wild. I couldn't call a female to cake up with right now if I wanted to. I want an intimate connection with someone, I really do. With Jaimya, it's like shit was cool and what not - but we didn't have a deeper connection. I loved her, I guess - but I never knew how she really felt about me unless I read her blog. She never told me and maybe it was because of her past relationship or she didn't really think I was worth it. I can't help but think now with some shit that I'm suspecting that our relationship wasn't even real. That shit breaks my heart, yet again. I'm not the cutest, I'm not the richest, I'm not the fliest, nor am I the best built - but I can tell you that I'm genuine. When I say I love you or care about you, I really mean it. I'm tired of caring, but when I shut everyone out I'm looked at as an asshole. You can only get as far as people think of you in this life. We might not like to believe it, but peoples opinions will make or break you. We all need someone to give us a shot before we can get out on our own. If someone doesn't think highly enough of you to give you that shot, you're just fucked in the game. I don't want to be in that situation. Man, like fuckkkkkkkkkkkk! I want to call someone my own, but that shit seems insurmountable. If you're listening to my playlist, skip to the song "Thequestions" and you'll know pretty much how I feel. Music really makes a big difference in my life. Like, I want to share that with someone - you know? Even with the person that I got this lil' crush on, she likes the same type of music I like. Do you know how hard that is to find in a person out here? Son, they're all Lil' Wayne groupies, Chris Brown fiends, or Soulja Boy's wifey. That shit is terrible. Like I can put up with the Chris Brown shit, but the other ones have to stop. Shorty told me she liked Jay-Z, Cassidy, Common, and all this other shit. Boy oh boy, I almost died. That's an even bigger turn on to me than a bangin' body, real talk. I thought she was bullshittin' so I just kept slick talkin' to get her to name some songs or spit some verses & she did. Womp, my fault. But yep, no point in that one - yah'dig? Why? "Because my friends have made things so complicated" [you know what that means] < - That's not for anyone reading this but her if she decides to just browse through. Moving on, you know what... Fuck moving on, I'm tired of typing and I doubt that you've read this anyway.

ANGRILYSTORMSOFF!
Outro.